The 'Addiction' Borderline Personality Disorder Gave Me
The part I struggle with most is the addiction.
I’ve read many accounts of people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) who rely on drugs or alcohol to cope, and I understand as much as anyone how easy it is to fall victim to such an extreme coping method. But my addiction was never in the form of a substance. Instead, I was a people addict.
Not everyone satisfied my desire for connection. It was always someone who was guaranteed to hurt me in one way or another. It was self-sabotage and a cry for help.
If I was friends with someone, the addiction would never manifest itself with that person. But the moment they displayed any interest in something more than friendship, any and all sense of my self-preservation and caution just flew out the window. Even though I was aware of my problem, I couldn’t stop myself.
The scariest part was the significant amount of power these people had over me and over my life. Sometimes it would seem like they were distant or growing bored of me, and I would shut myself away and cry because that’s how much it hurt. For days, even weeks, I was so depressed I couldn’t bring myself to do anything except lie in bed.
Nothing could distract me. Not my friends, not movies, not books, not even my job. I couldn’t force myself to study or do anything productive. And my mom would ask everyday why I was getting nowhere with my online studies, why I wasn’t making any progress. She would get angry and say I was mopey or lazy or in a bad mood.
I wasn’t always like this though. If the object of my addiction was displaying interest or affection, then I’d feel good about myself and even occasionally happy. But a life spent basing your own self-worth on the opinion of others is not a life at all. At least not one I would want.
For months now I’ve been trying hard to distance myself from the wrong people and surround myself with the right ones. It’s a lot easier said than done and sometimes I still make bad decisions. But I am convinced I can manage this problem. It’s only as powerful as I allow it to be.
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