When Depression and Anxiety Make Life a Waiting Game

In high school I was mostly depressed from stress and found myself not talking to anyone for days on end. No one really talked to me either. I was left alone in my miseries. I didn’t have many friends and I was convinced I hated myself.

Last year during the summer, I was preparing to take the GRE (a test most graduate schools require) and found this triggered my anxiety. I felt the most alone during this time. Now, I feel it all the time.

Yesterday I had the worst possible depressive episode and panic attack I’ve ever had. I thought about the past and dreaded my future more than ever before. I felt worthless and useless. I felt like no one would ever fall in love with me or want me. I felt damaged, sick and for the first time, I felt ashamed of myself. I just wanted to hide my face.

I always hide myself. I hide myself away especially when I feel the urge to cry. I hide myself away because I don’t want to ruin anyone’s vibe with my energy. Things seemed to change after I realized my empathic tendencies and ability to feel other people’s emotions. When someone is sad or emotional around me, I feel it.

No one really understands me either and I understand that. No one ever knows what to say or how to deal with me when I have a depressive or anxious episode. I hide myself because I feel I mess up the mood when I become quiet and distant. I feel alien to most spaces. I’d rather just be alone sometimes. But alone is where I feel the actual misery. I don’t just cry. My chest throbs, I begin hyperventilating and my stomach hurts. One bad thought can make these things happen simultaneously. Aside from yesterday, I have not experienced panic since last year.

Oddly, I can identify all of my triggers and explain where they all originated from. I know why I am the way I am. I’m also different from my siblings. I feel stupid and emotional sometimes. At times, I feel like everyone is staring at me and tired of me always “being sad and locking myself in my room.” Or tired of me “always going through something.” I want to feel “normal” for once. I remember in church they used to say “if you are going through the same thing, you have to be doing something wrong.” I’m doing life wrong then, right?

I’ve been living in a miserable state for a while now. I kind of forgot how it felt to be peaceful and worry-free.

I combat all of this by writing positive stuff, it helps me cope. I usually write at night when my horrible insomnia kicks in. I don’t want to be seen as “sick” or struggling. What I’m going through gives me more empathy for those who are struggling. I just want to tell them they can get through and feel peace again despite the constant hopeless feeling.

I’m always tired, always worried and always anxious. I can’t wait for the day to come when I’m finally at peace and I’m able to tell myself I’m OK, things will work out, I’ll find love and passion and whatever’s going to happen will be good and it will erase all of my current misery. I’m just patiently waiting.

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Thinkstock photo via panic_attack.