To My Spouse Who Makes Living With Migraines a Little Easier
The sunlight hits my face and I slowly awake from my slumber. Before I am even fully conscious I perform my morning scan of my body for pain symptoms. Does my head hurt, throb or in any way give off signals that today is starting off on a bad foot? What about signs of nausea, neck pain or potential dizziness? You don’t notice this daily ritual or the countless other times during the day I pause to take stock of any potential triggers or warning signs of an impeding migraine. It is a silent daily struggle I wage to see minute by minute if I am going to be OK.
So when I ask you to stop whatever you are doing to get me some water or to go get me a pill and I forget to add in please, it’s not because I don’t care. I am fighting a war with my body and I simply don’t have time for niceties mid-battle. When I abandon ship mid-day and leave you to care for our child I am not being lazy or selfish – I am trying to cling to the pieces of my health I have before I lose them completely. And on the days I have to call you at work while I am on the floor of the bathroom wrapped in self-agony and despair, half of my pain is from guilt for what I am about to put you through: the shuffling of schedules, finding care for our daughter, cancelling of your work commitments and picking up the pieces I have left behind as a good day suddenly went so horribly wrong despite my best attempts to ward off the attack.
I need you to be my partner on the good days and the bad days. I need you to accept me for who I am and know that means plans always need to be flexible. I need you to know sometimes I need you close by to hold my hair while I stand over the toilet and other times I need you to keep our daughter entertained all day so I can stay in bed. I need you to be willing to drop everything you are doing on a dime because my health doesn’t give us forewarning. I need you to keep paying ER and doctor bills despite the ever-mounting pile. I need you to keep fighting along side me but still know this is my fight and there are parts of it you will never understand.
I need you to keep being you because you do all this and more. You make living with a chronic illness a little easier and for that I am eternally grateful.
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