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3 Secrets I Never Wanted to Share About My Depression

Last month I wrote about 10 secrets I did not tell about my depression before then. To be honest, I had told them before – but only to my psychiatrist and my counselor. They were not my only secrets. Far, far from it. I’ve been doing a lot of work in therapy over the phone lately and it’s time for another “secrets” story.

These are secrets I don’t want to tell anyone – even my mental health team.

1. Sometimes it actually is comfortable.

Don’t get me wrong. I hate when my depression locks me in my bed, making me feel lost, totally exhausted, worthless and useless. It’s painful and embarrassing and causes me to think — daily — of ending everything. However, there are brief — and often terrifying — moments when it is also comfortable. Somewhere between that last nap, the soft bedding, the slow and easy music playing and chamomile tea, it gets easier to handle. My family doesn’t usually bother me much on a bad day and sometimes the quiet and the still is kinda nice. I hate when I sometimes feel this way and I have barely even told my psychiatrist about this sensation.

2. Sometimes I don’t want it to go away.

I do not know where this comes from. The probable reason is it has become my “normal.” On occasion, the idea of learning to live without this uninvited house guest is terrifying. I really, truly, want to be free from this illness and move on with my life. I look forward to the days when I can play with my family and love on them all day long. I want to work and rent a home of my own and perform on stage again. Still, I must admit from time to time I am still scared of what life without depression looks like.

3. Sometimes it feels like I hate you more than I hate it.

Every time I do make an effort to hide how badly my depression is affecting me, and you – my love ones – try to force normalcy of your variety on me, I secretly can feel like I hate you more than I hate my depression. It gets so frustrating to try to be OK around you. When I do snap or get upset, you demand I “wrangle myself in” or just “calm myself down” and it makes me hurt and angry.

These aren’t things I like or want to talk about. I am afraid they will proliferate the stigma people already have around depression and other mental illnesses. There’s nothing worse, in my opinion, than having contradicting symptoms. It is painful and confusing.

Please tell me I am not alone here?

Peace, Love, and Bulletproof Marshmallows

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