To My Husband Who Supports Me in My BPD Recovery
This letter is for you. A letter of thanks but also apologies.
Living with my mental health issues is at time unbearable, but trying to love someone who has them, well, I don’t know how you do it.
I know you feel a huge pressure to provide for me and our little boy. Thank you for the way you mange our bills and outgoings on just one income and manage to keep us afloat when my reckless spending sometimes takes over due to my borderline personality disorder (BPD).
I am sorry for the times my illness has made your life hell. Made me difficult to live with and difficult to love.
I am sorry for the times I frightened you with acts of self-harm and suicide attempts. Sorry for the times I left you to be both a mother and a father to our little boy. Thank you you so much for stepping up like you have done over and over again.
Loving. Devoted. Loyal. Strong. Brave. Theses are just a few of the words I would use to describe you. In truth, these words barely scratch the surface of what an amazing man you really are. Where so many would have run a long time ago, you continued to stay. I know you didn’t sign up for this five years ago when we both said “I do.” So thank you for staying.
Thank you for trying your hardest to understand and help me in a world that is completely alien and frightening to you. I know it’s been so difficult and pushed you well out of your comfort zone.
You’ve kept me alive when I believed I was better off dead. You loved me when I thought I didn’t deserve to be loved.
I am sorry for all of the sacrifices you’ve had to make for me. Not seeing your friends and family as much as you wanted to. Not being able to relax after work because you have housework to do that I couldn’t do. You deserve more, I know that. You have worked harder and given more than I would ever have expected. Thank you so much.
I’m incredibly sorry for the pressure I’ve put on you. I’m sorry it doesn’t seem enough, but I promise I will make it up you.
I know without me your life would be incredibly different. I want you to live the happy, carefree life I know you crave. I am working so damn hard to get better so you can have the life you greatly deserve. Thank you so much for baring with me. I promise I will keep fighting.
Thank you so much for telling me you are proud of me – and meaning it! It is something that means the world to me but not something I am accustomed to hearing.
Thank you for making me concentrate on getting better and not worrying about getting back to work. Without you doing this I would most certainly have pushed myself too hard to find paid work and relapsed to the point of crisis once more. Thank you for believing in me. Always. Whatever I’ve wanted to do, you have encouraged and believed in me, to the fullest.
I know this will embarrass you and I know you are as bad as me at accepting compliments, but you are an absolutely amazing man. Without you and our little boy, I would not be here to fight another day. I’ve struggled and struggled more than most people can imagine, but it is you who deserves the medal. Always working. Always loving. Always giving. Allowing me to keep on going.
You are my husband, yes, but more importantly you are my best friend. I don’t know many people who could have done and still do, what you do each and every day.
You have taught me so much. More than you realize. You have taught me what “in sickness and in health” really means. And I thank you from the bottom of heart for that.
I am stronger, healthier and braver because of you. But most importantly, I am alive because of you.
Thank you for all you do and all you are.
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Thinkstock photo via seb_ra.