Lisa D'Andrea.

When I Feared I Wouldn't Be 'Chosen' as a Woman With a Disability

I was born with weak muscles. I went to many doctors throughout my childhood to find out what the problem was. It took me a little longer to reach developmental milestones than most other kids who didn’t have weak muscles. Eventually I walked, but I limped, fell easily, and had a hard time getting up. I had my first surgery at the age of 11; it was for scoliosis. I was told it would make me walk better. My spine was fused to a metal rod and straightened as much as possible. After 10 months in a body cast, I didn’t come out walking any better. I knew then I had to sort out my expectations for my life.

Around the age of 12, I knew I wouldn’t be getting any better. I wondered what joys could I expect from life as I had to live it. I remember counting my sister as a blessing that would be mine forever. I looked into the future and I crossed marriage and family off the list, as I couldn’t imagine anyone choosing me in the condition I was in. I figured I could develop a satisfying life with my friends and devote myself to my career instead of family. I resolved to have a happy life without the prospect of marriage.

Much to my surprise, I had a very exciting first kiss in junior high. I even dated in high school and college and had several long term relationships. Still, deep down inside, I harbored a dark truth that I would never be chosen as a wife. After graduate school was finished, it surprised me that I started longing to be married. Of course, I picked somebody who who had extreme fear of marriage. My boyfriend didn’t just have cold feet about marriage, he walked around on polar ice caps! His parents had a very bitter divorce, and he concluded nothing good could ever come from marriage. We stayed together over many years and many distances. We even bought a house together, but still marriage was not on the horizon and I figured I should let go of that dream.

On his own, my boyfriend saw a therapist concerning his views on marriage, and the thaw began. One morning, we woke up and he started talking about how well we knew each other, how much love we had between us and all the things we had been through together. He then brought up how it pained him that in my childhood, I believed I would not be chosen for marriage. “So Lisa, I’m not asking if you’ll marry me. I’m making a statement — I choose you to be my wife.”

Being chosen was one of the happiest days of my life, and it was so worth the wait.

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The Problem With Those Prom Stories About People With Disabilities

It’s that time of year again. The sun begins to feel warm again. The snow melts. The birds start singing.  The days get longer. The air smells like rain and thunderstorms. And millions of teens make grand gestures, plan after-parties, buy dresses and rent tuxes and limos, all in preparation for prom.

The ringing in of prom season means we will soon be regaled with the retelling of a few stories in which upstanding young men and women ask a person with some type of noticeable disability to the dance of a lifetime. The stories will spread like wildfire through Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, with compassionate, well-meaning people making happy comments, clicking the thumbs up or the heart, and praising the young adult’s parents for raising a thoughtful human being.

On the surface, it is all warm and fuzzy, and I do commend the young people and their parents for understanding that people are simply people regardless of their ability. And yet, the nationalizing of these stories irks me to no end. My husband has had the pleasure of hearing more than one angry rant of mine in direct response to these heart-warming stories.

Why? Because I believe it’s subtly dehumanizing. It shouldn’t be national news that a person with a disability gets asked to prom. And it’s incredibly hypocritical. On the one hand, the masses are affirming and praising the fact that a neurotypical individual can see past the neurodiversities of another and “treat them just like anyone else.” On the other hand, the mere fact that they are praising this and calling such national attention to the act presupposes that it takes some type of gallant, noble personality to actually see the individual with a disability as a regular person. Doesn’t this presume that differently-wired people are not regular people?

By spotlighting the young man or woman and praising them for being so thoughtful, doesn’t it send the message that people with disabilities are so different and less-than that it’s amazing they get asked at all? Or that they get recognized on a basketball team? Or that they have friends stick up for them in front of bullies? Why is this national news? Shouldn’t it simply be expected?

Seriously, if society really stood behind the belief that people with disabilities should be treated like anyone else, wouldn’t the headline read, “Boy asks girl to prom?”

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Photo via Thinkstock.

Silhouette of a male and female couple at sunset. The man uses a wheelchair.

To My Future Girlfriend, When She Sees My Wheelchair

Dating for me has never been difficult. I don’t go around looking for friends to be friends with a guy who uses a wheelchair; I look for hockey fans, beer drinkers, dedicated business owners, and other driven individuals.

The same goes when I’m looking for a mate. I don’t look for someone who “would be OK dating someone who uses a wheelchair.” I just assume if you’re friends with me, you know this is how I get around, and it doesn’t socially define who I am.

That’s who I see.

That’s who my ex from high school says she saw when I asked her before I started writing this, and that’s how I’m sure all of my friends see me.

They see someone who happens to be fighting for legal rights in Canada to make all stores and shops wheelchair accessible. They see a guy who will give up his hockey tickets and miss the game if you need someone to talk to. They see a dedicated friend.

So why shouldn’t you see me as someone who is “wheelchair bound” or “disabled?” Well, that’s just it. I’m not. I’m not what society has labeled me. I want to break down these labels, these negative stereotypes that have held people back for 20 years.

I consider myself “differently able.” I get around town on public transit, go for beers at my favorite watering hole, find ways to create access where there is none, and do what I can to make a difference in the life of a child. Society is so quick to stick labels on people, labeling them useless and saying they won’t be contributing to society… this is not true. You won’t find a guy more dedicated to making a change that will make a positive difference for so many people.

The next time a guy using a wheelchair starts hanging with you, don’t assume he won’t want anything more than friendship. Sure this might be the case, but just think about that person as a human being and treat them accordingly. Critique them the same as you would any other potential partner.
Are they cute? Funny? Driven? Do they have all the qualities you look for in someone? If you can answer yes to all of that, don’t be afraid to make the first move.

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Thinkstock photo by majivecka.

Woman with long dark hair and thick glasses looking out a window.

My Unique Challenges Growing Up With Multiple Disabilities

As a person with cerebral palsy and visual impairment, I represent .03 percent of the U.S. population and face some unique challenges. The main challenges I faced as I was growing up were finding role models who had multiple disabilities, self-disclosure of disabilities, and self-identification as a multi-disabled person — where I fit.

I found finding role models with multiple disabilities difficult during my childhood and teenage years because they were not represented well in any mainstream media. My respective disabilities were represented separately rather than together. This showed the lack of diversity of the disabled community for people like myself. I hope this changes in the future, because it would lessen some of the stigma around having multiple disabilities. It would give children and young adults role models to look up to, people who could give them some hope they can do whatever they choose in life, regardless of their multiple disabilities.

The most difficult of the three challenges was self-disclosure. I was not sure most of the time which disability to disclose first, my cerebral palsy or my visual impairment — or even whether to disclose them at all. This was especially difficult when dealing with services that were related to only one of my specific disabilities, because my other disability was often forgotten about. I noticed this most when applying to colleges and when I applied to take my teaching licensing exam. When filling out the applications and applying for accommodations, there is usually no box on the applications for multiple disabilities. I usually end up checking off cerebral palsy, visual impairment or blindness, if there is that option on the application.

Another thing that was extremely difficult for me growing up was disclosing to individual people about my disabilities, especially to those who only have one of my disabilities or no disability at all. I feared rejection or lack of empathy. I still struggle with self-identification as it relates to daily living and my self-image today. I’m in my 30’s and still do not know which disability category I feel fits me. There are some obstacles I have in common with people who are visually impaired and the blind community. I need to have large print material, and sometimes have to use paratransit as a way to get from place to place, because my vision is so low that it would be impossible for me to drive. I share other obstacles with people who have cerebral palsy like myself, including using mobility aids such as a wheelchair, having a personal care assistant, and the need for adaptive equipment for daily living.

When I was in my childhood and teenage years, I tried to assimilate into each group the best I could. I attended a summer camp for people with cerebral palsy, and in my junior year of high school, I attended a college program strictly for visually impaired and blind individuals who wanted to attend college. Attending these programs only made me feel more torn about where I fit in with both of these disability groups. So as my teen years were about to end, I decided it was best to separate myself from any part of the disability community until I found where I fit in. In doing so, I learned it shouldn’t matter if you have multiple disabilities — even though people’s perceptions may seem like it sometimes.

My advice to young people who are facing the unique challenges of multiple disabilities is to find self-acceptance and surround yourself with people who accept all of your disabilities. Some people may not understand your struggles, and that’s OK. Focus on accomplishing things you want, whether it be college, getting a job or doing something you’ve always dreamed of, like what I’m doing right now. I hope reading this story will help you to realize there are other people going through the exact same struggles you are as a multi-disabled person. Try everything you can, even though it may be difficult with your conditions. Do your best to keep a positive attitude about everything you try to do, regardless of the outcome.

I hope this message finds you, helps you be empowered and gives you hope. I am glad I could shed light on the struggles of multi-disabled people, so others inside and outside the disability community can better support us. I hope this story not only helps individuals with multiple disabilities, but their families as well, so they can be prepared if their child/teenager is going through the same challenges I did growing up. Writing this story has given me a greater purpose, because I believe it will help someone I may never get the opportunity to meet in person. I hope they realize that even though we are a small percentage of the population, there are other people going through the exact same thing. No one deserves to feel like they are completely alone.

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Woman holding a journal looking toward the sunset.

To Those Who Fear Their Story Ends With Disability

The first time I “came out” as having a disability, I had the door slammed in my face by someone I’d known since childhood. Was it pity? Disgust? Simple discomfort? It was hard to tell. But in the space of a moment, I’d been rejected for a fundamental part of myself over which I had no control.

The recoil had me crawling into a cone of silence that held firm until I realized that the single most harmful act that could be done to me, I had done to myself. By staying silent, I denied my own agency, allowing others to make assumptions about my disability and all that it entailed. The truth of the matter, though, was that I was a survivor. A survivor of a chronic illness that slowly ravaged my body, stole my mobility and reshaped my reality.

The darkest corners of our truth are birthed from our most fragile vulnerabilities. There are some irrevocable losses that we may never make peace with, that instead, are honed to the sharpest of thorns. But like an oyster, chafed by a grain of sand that can’t be dislodged, eventually you polish it into something of value. The value is in learning that strength isn’t synonymous with invincibility; it’s embracing the parts of yourself that you see as broken and finding the courage to bear those parts to the world.

Your story doesn’t end with disability, but continues to evolve as you pen your own narrative. You don’t need a white knight to ride in and save you. You are your own hero. Strong enough to be gentle, powerful enough to be vulnerable, and scarred enough to understand and tread lightly around the deepest wounds of others.

There will always be people who doubt your abilities, who revile you for being different. But there is nothing wrong with who you are. I believe the only wrong that exists is when you stifle your individuality and strive to be a replica of someone else. Tune out the background noise and listen to the only noise that matters. Your voice, your truth, your strength.

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disabled Young man in wheelchair on a boardwalk on lake enjoying the view

Toad&Co Hires People With Disabilities and Sends Them on More Accessible Vacations

Toad&Co is an outdoor clothing retailer with a mission as cool as its clothes. In addition to promoting environmental protections and sustainability, it strives to help people with disabilities not only find employment but experience the great outdoors in a more accessible way, a mission it’s promoted by hiring people with disabilities and then sending them on memorable vacations.

In 1997, Toad&Co cofounded Planet Access Company (PAC), a third-party logistics company which employs people with disabilities. Approximately 40 percent of the Chicago-based warehouse’s permanent employees have a disability. PAC also hosts a training program for employees with intellectual disabilities — providing up to 70 paid, train-to-work opportunities — that teaches product assembly, order processing and how to handle materials.

In 2001, Toad&Co founded Search for Adventure, a nonprofit organization which sends adults with disabilities on “once-in-a-lifetime” trips. Since then more than 200 disabled people, including PAC employees, have gotten to participate in the organization’s 80-plus excursions, including trips to places such as the Appalachian Trail, the Bahamas and New York City. The company also sponsors an annual trip to its headquarters in Santa Barbara, California

“Supporting adults with disabilities has been an important part of our business and social mission since Toad&Co was founded 20 years ago,” Sarah Matt, Toad&Co’s vice president of brand and marketing, told The Mighty. “We believe, without exception, that opportunity and adventures in nature are possible, and more importantly – beneficial – for everyone.”

To support its initiatives, Toad&Co donates part of its proceeds to its programs supporting those with disabilities. Adding to its philanthropy, the company will donate 100 percent of proceeds from its graphic tees and tanks collection during March – Developmental Disabilities Awareness Month – to sending those with disabilities on more trips.

Thinkstock image via peppi18.

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