Depression and What It Means to Feel Exhausted All the Time

I am exhausted.

I am exhausted of constantly contemplating the correct way to phrase my feelings so that you might understand. I am exhausted of searching within myself to find words that accurately explain how I am feeling.

I am exhausted because I search for words that allow me to place depression and anxiety in a box I can then wrap up with shiny paper and tie with a big sparkly bow.

I am exhausted because my life is messy: It involves sentences that are broken from my sobbing. It involves me screaming into my pillow because I am afraid. It involves sitting on my bedroom floor in silence for hours, feeling numb. It involves anxiety attacks that leave my body feeling like I just ran a 5k. It involves me scrolling through my phone and starting a new message to you four different times before I decide that I shouldn’t reach out because I feel I would be a “burden.”

It involves me sobbing at my kitchen table because I spilled my tea. It involves me calling my mother or my sister to hang up on them 15 times in a row out of frustration, only to finally call them back to apologize for everything. It involves me gasping for breath in a crowded room because it feels like I am drowning. It involves negative thoughts running a marathon in my head.

I am exhausted because no matter how hard I try to use symbolism or metaphors I still never get it right. I attempt to design an experiment that would allow for me to confirm that I have tectonic plates in place of the spaces between the hemispheres in my brain; I am always on the verge of falling apart and destroying everyone around me.

Whenever I cry, I fear that my tears might actually be the rain before a tsunami. I check the weather to see if it predicted showers, offering insight on my mood. Because I never know when it is coming. It takes everything I have, destroying me before it has finished.

Whenever I laugh, I remember I am an active volcano. I look at my seismometer to assess for magma movement. I never forget they can be dormant for years, but then out of nowhere they erupt and they destroy everything that surrounds them, without pause.

When I have a bad day, I hypothesize I am a star that has never burned as brightly as it was intended to, before it started dying. My supporting data includes, but is not limited to, the fact that a majority of people think stars make the night sky pretty and wish upon them. Because we seem to forget that stars are decaying, deteriorating, right before our eyes.

I am exhausted from pretending to be something I am not.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Thinkstock photo via SIphotography

Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.

Related to Depression

The Comic Character I Created to Represent My Depression

I started Glop out of necessity. It came out of a point where I my struggles with depression had left me at rock bottom emotionally. This comic gave my mind a more constructive focus for my thoughts and made me reframe all the self-destructive thoughts I had in my head into jokes. Working on this [...]
Portrait of teenage girl in window light

To the Depression I've Known Since I Was 12

The first time I met you, I was 12 years old, huddled in my bed, hands clasping my ears, I begged my parents to stop. They did not. When you told me I was worthless, I would take a step back. Your voice grew louder, and I shriveled. You stayed, and I counted the days until the [...]
woman portrait with blurred effect

The Other Type of Imposter Syndrome

I’ve read a lot about the imposter syndrome that people feel may when they have depression or another mental illness. It’s feeling like an impostor – worried the façade of having it all together will slip and fall if anyone looks too closely. It sends chills up your spine when someone asks you how you [...]
Sad young man looking through the window

Dear Depression, I Want You to Know Why You're Wrong

Dear Depression, I never really know where to start when I talk about you. I can never really pinpoint the very first time you came into my life. You never really came into my life with the abruptness of a train wreck as people imagine. You slid into my shadows as each day progressed. You were [...]