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When a Coworker Told Me I Would 'Feel Better' if I Went to the Beach

“I don’t feel good.”

That’s all I can say. That’s all I know.

I don’t know why I don’t feel good. I don’t know what exactly I’m feeling. It’s not bad, it’s not OK, but it’s definitely not good.

I’m in that “stuck in the middle” stage of my illness. Except, there really isn’t a middle. I’m either really high, really low, stable, lost, confused…I mean, seriously! The list can go on. The “stuck in the middle” stage for me means I honestly don’t know how I’m doing right now and I certainly don’t know why I don’t feel good. I just know I don’t.

I told a coworker I did’t feel very good and that I was supposed to go to the beach with some friends tomorrow. I told her I really didn’t feel up to it. Her response was a generic, saying, “But if you go, you’ll probably feel better.”

My immediate thought was, God, how I wish that were so. She doesn’t know of my illnesses. She doesn’t know what I mean when I say I don’t feel well. But her lack of knowledge leaves her with saying the most naïve thing she could say in a situation such as this.

I wish even I knew how I felt, much less how I could feel better. But I wish feeling better was as simple as going to the beach.

See, the beach has no power here. Even the roaring waves of the ocean couldn’t drown out this war in my head. So I wait and I struggle. But I fight and eventually I will prevail.

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Thinkstock photo via Grandfailure.