What I Mean When I Say 'I Surrender' to My Depression


When most people hear the word “surrender,” their minds automatically think of giving up in a losing manner. When I surrender, I mean the exact opposite of losing.

I recently did a week stay in a stress center after checking myself in because I felt unsafe. It was quite intimidating and a bit scary at first to enter, and I felt very alone. Over time, I began to realize I was safe and the people around me understood and wanted to help.

During my most recent visit, I was sitting alone at a table in the common area and I met a friend. I am so thankful for her. As we went to different groups and shared our stories, the group facilitator asked, “What is your goal today?” Mine at the time was simple: stay alive. When it got around to my new friend, she said one word that changed my life: surrender. She then continued to explain herself and every word she said made total sense to me. I could not fight back the tears as I stared at the ground and watched the puddle of tears grow larger.

Surrender. To me it doesn’t mean totally giving up in a losing fashion. Surrender, to my illness. Surrender, as in realizing this depression lives with me. As in realizing my medications keep me stable and help me. As in not fighting against the depression but learning to live with it in a safe way. I used to think, I just want to be “normal.” After hearing that simple word, I thought, I am “normal,” this is “normal” and these pills helping me are “normal,” too.

So a few words to my depression: I surrender. I understand now this is my life, and to live a safe and healthy life, I will stop fighting against you. I will fight with you. I surrender and therefore, I survive.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Thinkstock photo via Image Source Pink.


Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.


Related to Depression

man sitting on bed with head in hands

To a Counselor, After My Missed Appointments

I’m sorry I didn’t come to my appointment today. I’m sorry my anxiety, depression and the side effects of my fourth medication in just a few months has kept me groggy and sick inside the safety of my bed again. That I canceled numerous times, even though I swear I have no memory of ever [...]
black and white woman underwater

Having Hope When Depression Feels Like Drowning

Much of my experience is hard to express with words. The best I can do is give you metaphors, because those will convey the emotion and truth far more intensely than any candid explanation could. Have you ever been caught underwater? Inhaling water and panicking as it burns your throat? I have. I can’t swim [...]
blonde woman looking into mirror applying face mask

The Mask I Wear to Hide My Depression

Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Every day, it’s the same routine. I wake up, shower, eat and put on my mask. The mask is the face I put on for the world. The mask [...]
man standing on street looking at futuristic city at night, sci-fi concept, illustration painting

When You Have One of 'Those Nights' With Depression

Tonight is just one of those nights. I haven’t had one of these nights in a while, but I guess tonight was bound to come. As someone with depression, I dread nights like tonight. Nights when it seems like nothing will ever get better, where no matter how hard I try, I can find no happiness or [...]