When You Struggle With Knowing if You Are 'Fully Recovered' Yet
When I have a cold, it’s obvious I’m sick. And when it goes away, it’s obvious it’s gone.
When I have depression, it’s not obvious to anyone – even me sometimes. And when it goes away, how am I going to know? Before I fell apart, was I depressed then? In hindsight, probably. I just didn’t recognize it.
It was clear as a summer’s day when my depression hit rock bottom. I was fatigued, despondent, without hope, alienated, withdrawn, fragile, anxious, starving myself, self-harming and lacking self-care. I am not in that place any more, something for which I am eternally grateful.
But it is a long road from rock bottom to “fully recovered.” I don’t know what fully recovered looks like and I actually have no idea how far I’ve travelled down the road.
Some days I still feel fatigue – not as much as I used to, but still more than I should. I have occasional days of feeling despondent and hopeless, but it is no longer relentless and perpetual.
I don’t feel alienated and withdrawn. I reached out and continue to do so. I am writing, talking and sharing as much as I can. Even when I can’t bear to do it.
I still feel incredibly fragile and anxious. The slightest error or conflict and I’m panicking, teary and wanting to run away, hide under a rock and never emerge. I want to feel more resilient and emotionally stronger.
So at what point can I say I’m no longer depressed? When am I “recovered” from depression? Is it when I stop medication and feel no different? Is it when I no longer experience anxiety? When I feel stronger? If I overcome my eating disorder? How do I tell?
Perpetual happiness is as unnatural as perpetual sadness. Relentless energy is as unnatural as relentless fatigue. Yet somewhere there is a middle ground of healthy and balanced. And it is that midway point I would like to find.
Recovery – as everyone keeps mentioning – is not linear. It’s a shame. But it’s true.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.
We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.
Thinkstock photo via frimages.
Crazy hair, solitude seeker, at peace in the natural world. After a series of crises led to an emotional breakdown and multiple psychiatric admissions I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder, PTSD, depression and anxiety, and I have a long-standing eating disorder. I have a passionate interest in mental health and now share my story in the hope it may benefit someone else. I dedicated over three decades of my life as a professional flautist and teacher. In 2008 I completed a Master’s in Journalism, specialising in editing, and continue to hone my skills as a writer. My first book, "Stalked by Demons, Guarded by Angels: The Girl with the Eating Disorder" is now available with all online retailers! With 30 years of marriage under my belt, I successfully raised three and a half young men and a chocolate-brown Burmese cat. A mean feat never to be underestimated.
simoneyemm