How Chronic Pain Is Teaching Me to Be OK With Depending on Someone


 

Early in my life I learned I could not rely on anyone to be there for me. I spent most of my adult life proving to myself that I was independent and could conquer anything I set my mind to.

I still felt this way when I married my current husband. For the first few years of our marriage I had a career and I was an adjunct professor at a local university. I felt like I had it all: a husband, family, career.

As my pain slowly took over, I denied I was losing control. I continued doing everything through the pain — until my body finally won the battle and I gave in to the pain. I left my work. I left teaching. I even left being a mother and a wife in spirit. I slowly went into a black hole (mentally), and I just dealt with the pain. As time went on, I became more dependent on my husband to be there for me — to help me get through the pain, to help me get things done around the house, to help me get out to see people and do the few things I can still do.

He did it again this week. He took me out of town to my cousin’s funeral. She was 41 and had a husband and four children. She died from complications caused by cancer treatment. This has been a very sad time for me and for all who knew her. I wouldn’t have been able to go or handle it if my husband weren’t with me.

As I write this blog post, I realize how privileged I am to have a wonderful husband who cares enough about me to take me to the important things in life so I don’t miss out. He puts up with a lot, and my illness has caused him to miss out on a lot. I think what he misses most is not being able to take off and go fishing like he used to. I try to encourage he do so, but his spirit has taken a blow too and he just doesn’t seem to have the interest he used to.

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But, all in all, we have been humbled, and we have each other. We appreciate each other. And although in my younger years I vowed to never depend on a man, I’m so glad I have this man to depend on.

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