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How Hockey Helps Me Get Through Bipolar Episodes

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We are Blackhawks fans. My husband’s family is from Chicago, and when we started dating, he taught me hockey. I fell in love with the game and the team for myself. When we got married, “Chelsea Dagger” (the song that plays after a goal is scored) played after the priest declared us man and wife.

I hesitate to say hockey saved my life. A lot of things combined together to do that. But I will say hockey has, on more than a few occasions, saved my quality of life.

Like most people with depression, I can barely pry myself out of bed when I’m depressed. I’ll spend the day under the covers or get home from work and immediately retreat to the mess of pillows and blankets I left that morning. I don’t want to do anything. That’s when hockey quietly rescues me. My husband will sit with me, watching the game on silent, in case I’m not interested. Inevitably, by the end of the game, I’m either watching or asking him to turn up the volume. Either way, I’m hooked. Suddenly, I have something to rally around. I have players I’ve watched for years that I want to cheer on and a team I want to win. Some games, I’ll lay quietly and just let the game overrule whatever thoughts I’m trying to escape and sometimes I’m calculating goalie stats on the fly and trying to tell the players through the TV that I could really use a win.

Then there are the manic episodes. I’m anxious in my mania and often easily annoyed. On the best days, I am scattered and on the worst days, I am unable to function. Once again, there’s hockey. This mood requires the game to be on mute. Too many different sounds only make me more and more agitated, as they add to the commotion already going on in my mind. I may not be able to focus wholeheartedly on the action, but it anchors me in time just the same. It was the first period. Now it’s the second. We used to have two points. Now we have three. Depending on the severity of the episode, it may be all I really process — just the time and whether we’re winning or losing. But if it’s a more minor episode, the fast paced game catches up to my fast paced mind, and suddenly I’m running on Blackhawk time. Move by move, change by change, from one side of the ice to the other, I’m right with them. And when the game dips, suddenly I realize my thoughts aren’t so fast anymore.

High or low, being able to get immersed in something besides my own thoughts is a big deal. Win or lose, I’ve had something to cheer about. Usually mind has evened out a little, and I can sleep a little better that night. I’m not saying hockey is some magical cure, but I don’t know what I would do without it.

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Why I Started 'Jogging 4 Journals'

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How can a little bit of money go a long way in helping someone in the hospital with mental illness? I found out last year when I began my project called Jogging 4 Journals. J4J provides free journals to patients with mental illness so they can start their healing process through writing and drawing.

Jogging 4 Journals began in 2016, with me jogging a race a month and asking for donations in honor of that. I ran for five months, then had a mental health crisis and stopped for a while. Now, I am feeling better and want to resurrect J4J.

This year, I am doing things a little differently. I will be jogging three races throughout the year (April, June and October), and am asking people to donate in honor of my races, and all year long. Like usual, with the donations, I will buy journals (marble composition notebooks for 50 cents each at Target) and labels ($13 for 150). I use the labels to write out a loving message on and stick one on the first page of every journal. I give out 45 every other week to my local hospital’s (Franklin Square Hospital) Mental Health Unit.

I created Jogging 4 Journals because I live with bipolar disorder and anxiety. I have made great strides in my recovery, but I still struggle sometimes. I also care about all people who are struggling with brain illnesses, especially those in the hospital. Mental illness is so stigmatized, and I want to help combat that by showing patients with mental illness they are loved and they are not alone. I have been in the hospital more times than I can count, and so I get what  they’re going through, just trying to say yes to another day of life. Journaling is also a wonderful, helpful coping skill. I also chose a journal because I want the patients to feel that the journals they are given are something that is all their own in their recovery.

And the best news is that the journals are helping the patients! The other day I gave them out, and one of the nurses said that the patients love them and are always asking for them. They like that the journals I give out are much bigger than the ones given to them on the unit. They have ample room to write, draw or write out song lyrics they have come up with (like one patient did). They often take them to groups and take notes about the topics of the groups (like coping skills).

For this cause, I am partnering with a non-profit organization called NoStigmas. NoStigmas is based in Chicago, but does many things online. NoStigmas “empowers a global mental health community through education, support and action. It’s mental health our way, created for peers, by peers.” Among so many other things, NoStigmas has a Facebook Peer Group of which I am a part. The group is a place to gain encouragement and insight into our illnesses. By partnering with NoStigmas, we are going to split the donations half and half. They are a wonderful organization!

If you want to help me to brighten these patients days just a little, please consider donating to my project. The donation link is here. Your donation will go a long way! Even $5 will allow me to help eight to 10 patients! Thank you so much!  (You can find out more about Jogging 4 Journals on my Facebook page called You Are Loved.)

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3 Reasons Why My Bipolar Diagnosis Encouraged Me to Get Sober

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I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. While it’s comforting to know there’s a reason for everything that has been going on with me for the past six or so years, I can’t help but feel like there’s now something inherently “wrong” with me. Which I guess just goes to show how much of a stigma there is surrounding mental health issues today. However, I’ve decided to use this new diagnosis as a way to change my life for the better. I’ve started taking medication and I’ve been doing a lot of research on this illness. When I want to learn more about a subject, I won’t stop until I feel like I’m an expert. I’ve read countless books, scholarly articles, blog posts — anything I can get my hands on to help me better understand this disorder and, more importantly, myself.

One thing almost every single piece of literature I’ve read has in common is the views on bipolar disorder and substance abuse. It’s a dangerous combination. Ever since I can remember, I’ve used drugs and alcohol to ease into social situations or as self-medication when I’m feeling really down. You name it, I’ve probably done it. As I sit here writing this, I can’t help but think some major change in my life needs to happen for me to truly get a handle on this illness. That’s why I’m deciding right here and now to put my party girl days behind me and stop using substances as a crutch. I need to face my demons head on if there’s any hope for me to lead a relatively happy and healthy life with bipolar disorder. The list of reasons why this is a good idea for me are probably endless, but I’ve come up with a few I can look back on for when things get particularly difficult, which I know they will. Who knows, maybe they might help someone else who, like me, is struggling to get a handle on things.

1. Alcohol and drugs can make mania and depression worse.

For me, it’s the mania. My mood is already unstable enough as it is, and I’ve learned drinking and drugs only further escalate things. I’ve written before about how sometimes I miss being manic because it makes life seem more exciting. I go searching for ways to try and feel that high again, but it just ends up making it that much harder to come down. When I finally do — and oh boy, I do come down — the depression is even more debilitating. Then I’ll end up using when I’m depressed to try and make myself feel better, but it’s always a temporary fix and usually just ends up making me feel worse. Bipolar is cyclical and the substance abuse makes that cycle a vicious one.

2. I have an extremely addictive personality.

Sure, most people can kick back with friends and have a few drinks, but I am not one of them. I think a lot of those with bipolar disorder struggle with this issue. Once I start, I just don’t seem to know when to stop. Throw in the fact I also have borderline personality disorder (you know, that whole “all-or-nothing” mentality) then mix in my impulse control issues and suddenly, what was supposed to be a few drinks with friends has turned into a two-week-long bender. I don’t know when to admit the party’s over and it’s a recipe for disaster that always leaves me mentally, emotionally and (usually) monetarily drained.

3. I’m not supposed to be drinking with the medication I’m taking.

In addition to the research I’ve done on bipolar disorder, I’ve also dug into all the information available on the different prescribed psychiatric drugs I’m currently on. I was only diagnosed in December, so I’m still working with my psychiatrist on finding the right balance of medication for me. It’s been a process of trial and error, as I’ve learned it is for most people. I mean, one girl I’ve talked to said it took years for her to find a combination of meds that worked for her. There’s so many different mood stabilizers, antipsychotics and antidepressants out there and they all have a whole mess of potential side effects. What’s one thing most have in common, though? “Patients should avoid the use of alcohol while taking this drug.” I copy and pasted that straight from Google. That right there should be reason enough for me. I know my medicine won’t be able to help me if I don’t give it the chance to.

I could go on forever about why getting clean is the best decision for me right now. I haven’t even touched on how it affects my personal relationships. That’s a story for another time and place. One thing I am grateful for as a result of this diagnosis is it’s forced me to become more introspective. I’m finally dealing with my problems and I think only good things can come from this. I’m looking forward to leading a healthier life both mentally and now, psychically. I’m also really curious to see if there are other people out there who struggle with bipolar and substance abuse the way I do.

If you or a loved one is affected by addiction and need help, you can call SAMHSA’s hotline at 1-800-662-4357.

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To Co-Workers Who Know About My Bipolar Disorder, and to Those Who Don't

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To Those Who Know,

Thank you for giving me the courage and strength to show up on the bad days, but also the comfort I can stay home if I need to. Telling you was terrifying. There’s no taking back something like that. But I’m glad I told you so I don’t have to waste energy trying to hide it. I can walk into the office and shut my door, and when you know I’m at my worst, you respect that door. You may not think you’re helping on those days, but you are.

To Those Who Don’t,

Thank you for not prying. It’s an odd thing for me to explain over the phone, so, for the most part, you don’t know because I haven’t wanted to spring it on you. But thank you for noticing I’ve been gone from work and for asking if I’m OK. As silly as it sounds, asking if I’m OK lets me know it’s OK if the answer is, “I’m getting there.” You all seem to understand that just because I’m back doesn’t mean I’m fully healed, and that grace is liberating. Knowing I don’t have to cringe at my phone ringing is a big deal.

I realize there is a chance you are finding out by reading this now. That thought has crossed my mind, and I am prepared for that possibility. That’s the environment you have created. I’m not scared you’ll find out anymore. If you do, you do. If you don’t, you don’t. But I won’t hide, and I thank you for that.

Sincerely and thankfully,

Your co-worker struggling with Bipolar II

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'Looking Up' at the Bright Side of Bipolar

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Today is one of those. A cloudy grim dark chilly day here in Ontario. I expected to wake up barely being able to stay out of bed long enough to get the kids off to school. It was the total opposite. I glared at the clouds and loved observing the formations they took on. I admired the beautiful sound of rain upon my window sill. I embraced the thought of leaving the house in my non-hooded jacket to feel each drop of rain hit my face. It was all so beautiful, something I don’t remember experiencing.

I have been learning through cognitive behavioral therapy that our minds tell us a lot of things that aren’t true. It tells us we are worthless, hopeless and deserve to be alone. Those thoughts are not actually true, but for some reason they convince us to choose to believe them.

Imagine telling our brains you are not in control of me. You do not get the choice to make me feel worthless, hopeless and out of control. I choose to not believe you because I am aware and in control of myself.

Identifying today may not be a great day due to the weather is already giving your brain the control. It opens the door for more negative thoughts to occur. By saying today is going to be a “write off” eliminates your possibilities. It may lead to thoughts about sad times, sad movies and sad music. These things seem reachable and achievable because they feed the low moment.

It easier to withdraw from others and live selflessly alone, your brain convinces you these things are OK. I am not saying feeling sadness and loneliness is always within your control, but being aware that you are in a sad state can help you think of a to-do list. A list of things that make you more sad and feel hopeless is helpful. This is better done on a day you are feeling OK. This has helped me immensely.

I have identified that certain songs trigger my tears. Especially those that I listened to while going through a separation.

I have identified certain television shows bring on past insecurities as an alcoholic.

I have identified certain people trigger me into comparing my old life as a wife to being just a girlfriend are causes for feeling worthless

Certain holidays such as Valentine’s Day trigger upset, as this was the day I told my ex-husband I was pregnant.

It’s attainable to write the things down that feed your sadness so that you can avoid letting those triggers bring you to the depths of emotional turmoil

I identified my resources that support me when I am down. I chose to let in few people about my diagnosis of bipolar, but on my darkest days when I realize I have been consumed by all the triggers I wrote down, I reach out to the very few who support me and remind me I am worthy.

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What I Do When Bipolar Disorder Makes Me Feel Alienated From Others

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Last month, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Until my body gets used to the medications, I’m considered to be on the “bipolar spectrum,” meaning there is no specification of whether I am bipolar type I or II. Regardless, I am happy to have at least some idea of why I am the way I am.

One of the worst parts of having bipolar is feeling alienated. I feel isolated, left out and alienated on a daily basis. My friends don’t seem to care what happens to me, how I feel or what is going on in my life, despite my numerous efforts to be active in theirs. I am rarely extended an invitation anywhere and I am usually the person who extends the invitations, despite the lack of people who show up. The only time I am checked on is after I tell someone how I feel, and that only lasts for a few days before I am suddenly on the back burner again. Some of you may be thinking, “Why don’t you get better friends?” The problem is not only that it is difficult for me to make friends being unemployed and out of school, but it’s hard to determine what is real and what is a symptom of my bipolar disorder. Are my friends actually leaving me out, or am I overdramatizing the situation?

To determine the answer to this question, there are a few things I can do. Firstly, I need to stop keeping score. I find myself often going back in my texts and seeing who was the first to message who. How many times did I get called by Person A today? How many times has Person B responded within a few minutes vs. a few hours/days? Doing things like this only leads me down a path my disorder has created. One of the best things I’ve done for myself recently is delete my texts at the end of each day. This way, I can’t go back and check on these silly little details.

I feel alienated for several reasons and social media only makes that 100 times worse. It helps me to avoid checking up on your friends’ social media profiles. I noticed I started taking mental notes of my friends’ activities. Person A went to the movies with a mutual friend, but when I invited them to a movie they turned me down and said they didn’t feel well. In reality, that person most likely didn’t feel well or wasn’t in the mood for a movie. That’s not a crime. However, my bipolar disorder tells me that person is making excuses to avoid hanging out with me because they dislike me, think I’m too sick or am boring. No matter what that person’s excuse is, my brain makes me believe they dislike me. Instead of keeping mental notes about my friends’ days, I decided to avoid social media. I unfollowed many of my close friends on Facebook and Instagram so I can avoid those dangerous thoughts.

What about in real life? How can I avoid real life triggers for these feelings? This one’s not as simple, and I’m still trying to figure out this portion of my thought life. One way I’ve started to succeed in this is to stop overanalyzing situations no one else is analyzing. For example, when I go to the bar with friends, I start to notice who is the center of the conversation, what body language and facial expressions are made toward certain people versus myself and who is surrounded by the most people. This is another way of keeping score that I have rationalized into being simply “fascinated with human behavior.” In reality, this analyzing causes me to feel inferior when, in fact, I am equal to my peers. Once I learn how to stop this behavior, I will be more capable of maintaining relationships without feeling second best.

Bipolar disorder is a sneaky disorder, tricking me into believing things that are much more simple than I perceive them. I struggle with my relationships daily, and it’s hard not to feel second best. Thankfully, I am on a daily medication to assist me, but I have to control my own behavior as well. One day, I will be able to feel equal to my peers and have a healthy relationship. Until then, I am learning about myself all over again.

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