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To the One I Love, as I Battle My OCD

To the one I love, may you never experience this mental pain,

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) will always be a part of me. Most days I will win control, but some days it takes over. This invisible condition consumes my brain with irrational thoughts that I am just too embarrassed to say. These thoughts can even ruin my day-to-day. I know you think of me as so strong, but sometimes I feel like I can’t hold on. Sometimes I give in to the anxiety. It leaves me no choice. So I wash my hands five times, I check the door six or seven times, and before I go to sleep I pace back and forth about eight to nine times. You don’t know and I won’t let you see just how bad this anxiety consumes me. There are no scars, so you do not see the pain. You’ll only see the tears that flow from my brown eyes. I obsess about these thoughts from the moment I wake up until the moment I lay down and close my eyes, wrapped in your arms. I need you.

You ask questions that I don’t have the answers to. My anxiety laughs and mocks me as I struggle to answer. The anxious bug crawls around and whispers in my ear, “It’s just you and me, so let him be.” So I “let you be” as I sit in a room alone and lie on the bed crying out. So I fight and then try to take a stand. I get back up and go to work and fight as best I can. Often I get up nine times and end up falling down 10. So I need you again and again.

Everyone has left me or they just don’t understand. Please help me and give me a hand. Love me as best as you can. I do not need tough love. I would like the everything-will- be-OK-and-you-will- fight-this love. While OCD debilitates me, can you provide the love to resuscitate me? Can you help bring me back to this life and out of my head? I need you again and again and again.

Your smile can move the mountains upon mountains of anxiety in my head. Your calming voice can replace all the dismay and dread. I’ll take your hugs over any ritual any day of the week. Just know that sometimes and some days I feel weak. There are days I think about letting OCD take the wheel. Bear with me because on those days I am not really sure how to feel. I don’t want to feel like I’m “losing” this fight. Our future is what I hold on to with all my might. Our happy ending. Sometimes I wish you didn’t have to deal with this. Sometimes I feel that you deserve better than this.

I did not choose OCD. This anxious monster choose me. Fifteen years ago, it set its eyes on me and held on and would not let my mind be. For the most part, I hold on and I fight, but there will be times like today where I get knocked down. Sometimes the OCD takes the crown. In those moments, you might feel helpless as you see me fight an invisible, mental entity. Just know the times where I feel like I am drowning in a sea of thoughts, your kind and warm love is a life vest.


Your Anxious Lover

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Thinkstock photo by Victor_Tongdee