Why Chronic Pain Is Like Saran Wrap Clinging to My Body


The pain covers me like Saran Wrap, clinging to me and never letting go. Saran Wrap is clear, but no one can actually see the depth of my pain. It’s invisible to most.

The pain controls every aspect of my life. I try my best to hide it and just smile. I try to be the bubbly self I used to be, but it’s exhausting. I’m not that person anymore.

Life is passing me by because this pain is so controlling. I feel like I’m drowning. I’m suffocating. But, I still wake up everyday to this life of pain.

I pray a lot. I pray that I’ll have a day of tolerable pain and that it’s not too severe. I pray I have a day that the screams don’t come out. The screams just come, unconsciously, uncontrollably because the pain gets so bad.

People are going on with their lives, their days, the hustle and bustle of world keeps going – and I feel like I’m living in a tornado, but everyone else is saying, “Come on, it’s just a little breeze.” I want to scream at them and tell them it’s more than a breeze. It’s a huge storm on the horizon and I’m desperately seeking shelter from the pain. I want to rip off this Saran Wrap that’s clinging to my body, my pain, clinging to my soul and suffocating the enjoyment from my life. I want to enjoy life again.

Enjoying life, truly enjoying it, is a thing of the past. I miss my life. I miss who I was before the pain became so controlling. Heck, I’m a control freak. I love being in control, but this pain is winning and I’m losing. It’s slowly suffocating me. It’s snuffing out my passions, my dreams, my inspirations.

How do I release myself from these cards that have been dealt to me? How do I start winning again? Can we just call it a draw, a tie and start over? Can we start a new game called “life?”

I feel like I’m being pulled under, like I have cement blocks on my feet. I’m trying desperately to maintain my level above the surface of stormy waters. Waves of pain crashing over me. The rip tides pulling me further out. I’m drowning in this sea of pain. I keep saying to myself, “You just need to keep your head above water and you’ll be OK.” Some days, treading water just isn’t enough and I get pulled under.

Can anyone hear my screams for help? I just need a doctor to be my hero. I have a doctor that has helped me more than any other, but when you have illnesses like mine, you need more than one hero. So, I guess I’ll continue to tread water, with this Saran Wrap clinging to me for now and fight the pain every day. After all, I am “Chronically Fabulous” – and I still wake up every morning.

Follow this journey on Chronically Fabulous life.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Thinkstock Image By: Nomadsoul1

TOPICS
JOIN THE CONVERSATION

Related to Chronic Pain

skyline with word 'love' over it

Why I Struggle With Self-Love as a Person Who Has Chronic Pain

It’s official, folks: I have come to the conclusion that loving yourself is significantly more difficult than loving someone else. I’m never smart enough, witty enough or beautiful enough (as I see it) – and yet I love my partner, family and friends as if they were made of rainbows. Why is this? How do I make [...]
student with her face down in a pile of books on her desk

The Inner Monologue of a College Student With Chronic Pain

A note to the reader: Imagine this post is told by a narrator who is commentating on your daily life. But this is not your normal life – it is the one where you are in excruciating pain all day. Imagine you’re a college student. A mechanical engineering and computer science student, no less. And [...]
woman holding her lower abdomen in pain

6 Hidden Realities of Living With Chronic Pelvic Pain

First, a warning without apology: this is a TMI post, discussing six hidden and very uncomfortable aspects of the pelvic pain experience. No one likes pain and no one can begin to comprehend the experience of chronic pain until you’ve been hit with it. It’s uncomfortable, frustrating, incurable, exhausting and life-altering. The chronic pain train can also drag behind it carriages [...]
Woman jogging at night.

Why I Ignored My Chronic Pain to Run for Four Minutes at Midnight

Last night at midnight, I regained part of my former life before chronic pain. More than any other form of exercise in the past, jogging brought me the most joy, a feeling of “aliveness” as sweat rolled off my forehead and my heart pumped fast and hard. But that was years ago and my doctor [...]