Dear Depression,
You came into my life unexpectedly and unwelcomely in January 2011. Your presence was felt before then but you disguised yourself. My life was an endless play with scenes of happiness, sadness and everything in between. I was the sole actor in the play, constantly wearing various masks. I smiled and laughed amongst family and friends; however, I was hurting internally and I was alone. You were always on my mind and you weighed heavily on my heart. My heart ached. Constantly, I was being flooded with emotions I had felt before, at least not at the same time. I was stuck in quicksand while everything and everyone flew by.
I cried myself to sleep every night praying the next day would be better than that last. I lied to my friends to keep myself from spending time with them. I told my family and friends that everything was OK but the truth was, everything wasn’t OK. I stopped going to my classes; the excuses were either I wasn’t feeling well or I overslept. With every lie, my heart ached more and the flood of emotions was of biblical proportions. Though I was physically present in my environment, I was in another galaxy mentally. Every new day is a roller coaster ride with astronomical amounts of loops and drops. Every night, I had endless dreams, or rather nightmares, of what the world would be like if I was no longer on this Earth. I asked myself every night, “What if I just end it all? Would my family and friends miss me? Or would they not have noticed that I was gone?” I thought to myself, “Maybe the world would be better off without me.”
Dear Depression, thank you. You have made me the person I am today. Thanks to you, today I am stronger. I am stronger mentally. I am stronger emotionally. I am stronger physically. When I took several semesters off from college, I focused on one person: myself. I spent time by myself doing the things I love. I exercised more. I wrote more poetry. I spent more time with family and friends. I enjoyed spending time by myself. Thanks to you, depression, I became a new person. You thought you could knock me down piece by piece; however, I rose above the clouds like a skyscraper. You thought you can sway me side to side until I become uprooted; however, I stood my ground like an oak tree.
You have made me a Believer. I used to doubt myself and my abilities in whatever I do. No matter what, true or false, I believed I was a failure, that I couldn’t accomplish anything, I am useless. Now, I believe I can do whatever I set my mind to, that I can accomplish anything, that I am useful. You made me a Fighter. When the going got tough and life dealt me every kind of hands, I used to fold every one of them and gave up. I used to think there was no point in going forward; that no matter what I did, I would crash and burn. Whenever, I encounter obstacles and walls as great as the Great Wall of China, I used to turn around and give up. Now, I fight for what I believe in and for what I want to accomplish. I now fight for my goals, fight through the obstacles and scale the Great Wall of China.
Dear Depression, thank you for making me the person I am today. Thank you for making me a Believer, a Fighter and a Warrior. Thank you for making me understand and realize I am not alone. I do not have to fight this battle alone. You made me realize I have people in the world who support me, love me and accept me for who I am. You made me realize that it is OK to ask for help. Most importantly, you made me realize I do not have to end my story. Instead of ending my story with a period, an exclamation mark, or a question mark, I can just use a semicolon, and pause and breathe. I realize my story is not over yet because I have so much to accomplish, so much to see, so many places to travel to, so many seconds and moments to cherish.
Dear Depression, once again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for becoming a part of my life; you will always be a chapter in my life.
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Thinkstock photo via avosb.
Diagnosed with depression in January 2011, I try to help others understand depression and that they’re not alone through my own personal experiences and poetry. I have a BA degree in Psychology. I am a nursing student pursuing my Associate of Science degree in Nursing. I will graduate in May 2024 and aspire to be an ER/Trauma and Flight Nurse with the United States Air Force or Army. I’m a passionate advocate for suicide prevention, and raising awareness about depression and suicide especially among men, medical professionals, and Asian population. I am a runner with Team American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP).
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