When You Don't Have Enough Energy to Hate How Depression Makes You Feel
This piece was written by Holly Riordan, a Thought Catalog contributor.
I don’t feel like doing anything.
It’s not out of laziness. It’s not because I would rather sleep.
If someone asked me to, I could easily get out of bed, get dressed and run a mile. I could force myself to smile and laugh and look like a “functional” human being.
But while doing those things, I wouldn’t feel a thing.
It’s not that I’m numb. It’s not that I’m emotionless. Honestly, I don’t know what I am.
All I know is that I’m not excited about anything anymore, not even the things that used to bring me joy. Seeing my friends. Listening to music. Eating my favorite meals.
Everything feels bleh. Like I haven’t fully woken up yet.
I’m not a robot. I still experience happiness — but it’s fleeting. I’ll laugh hard over a joke or smile through an entire episode of my favorite show, but as soon as it’s over, I’ll snap right back to my sadness.
It’s like the happy moment never happened at all. Like it was wiped from my brain as soon as it ended.
I’m not able to grasp onto anything. I can only hold onto it for a second before it slips out of my hands.
I don’t know what will make me feel better, and honestly, I don’t feel like doing anything.
The worst part is that I don’t feel guilty over it. I could spend the entire day sitting on the couch, staring into space, and I wouldn’t be mad at myself for being unproductive. I’m just done caring.
I know the consequences. If I don’t go to class, I could fail the course. If I don’t brush my teeth, I could get a cavity. If I don’t text my friend back, I could lose them forever. But what does it matter? Right now, it doesn’t seem to matter at all.
When my brain wanders, it doesn’t even know what to wander toward anymore. What should I spend my time thinking about? What matters to me?
Nothing. Everything? I don’t know.
I wish I had enough energy to hate the way I’ve been feeling, but I don’t. It’s just an inconvenience I hope will end soon. It’s making it hard for me to be a good friend, a good worker, a good human.
I feel like my brain is broken. Like something is out of place.
I have no idea how to fix it, but I hope I figure it out soon.
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Unsplash photo via Jimmy Bay.