When I Was Reminded of the 'Growing Pains' of Therapy

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I’ve been to therapy before. OK, that’s an understatement. I’m what I like to call an “advocate of therapy.” I’ve used it. I believe in it. I basically tell everyone I know they should find a therapist. For me, therapy has always been a positive. Something I would do for me. To help me. I would almost go as far as to say it’s my “me” time. How many parents out there hear what I’m saying? Where else can we go and have peace and quiet and almost one whole hour of uninterrupted time to talk about us? Then add the topping of leaving therapy feeling as though there’s been some kind of weight lifted off our shoulders. Just writing about it makes me want to call my therapist and squeeze in a mid-week session!

But then it came time for my husband to see a therapist. In my heart of hearts, I knew it was a good thing. I was looking forward to it. Hopeful. He had struggled with depression for as long as I had known him, and it was only masked by his use of alcohol in our younger days. Given my love of therapy, you can imagine my enthusiasm when he finally agreed to start counseling! Looking back on the beginning of this journey, I’ll always hear the words of my therapist, “Janae, your struggle is going to be remembering that he is becoming something entirely new.” I shrugged it off happily. Of course he was! He was going to therapy. He was going to be changed. Transformed. It was going to be amazing! Butterflies. Rainbows. The whole happy nine yards!

What I forgot in my enthusiasm was how painful change can be.

I forgot that in between the old and the new, was growth. And growth can only come with an abundance of growing pains.

I had forgotten from my own therapy from years ago — the therapy that probably saved my life and allowed me to become someone who can see butterflies and rainbows — the word I had to memorize was perseverance.

So the day came when my husband came home from counseling, and I was short with him. I didn’t understand why he wasn’t happy. He’d just gotten an hour of “him” time. What was his problem? And in that moment, in my nicest “I’m over being home alone with the kids, why aren’t you completely revived after seeing the therapist” voice, I called him out on his attitude.

One of the first things he was working on was communicating, and I was blown away in that moment at how he conveyed the emotion of being hurt. Up until this time, and throughout his depression, the only clear emotion he could convey was anger. He simply looked at me and explained how not everyone has the same experience with therapy that I had. For him, in order to get to the good, in order to see through the journey to the other side, he has to go through some muck! He was delving into areas he had avoiding his entire life. And this strong as steel man was breaking. He was feeling emotions he hadn’t allowed himself to feel in years. And all the while, he was trying to be what he couldn’t be for us in those times of battling depression. He was trying to be more present. To be more joyful. To be more kind. And to have hope.

In what some would see as a moment of weakness, I saw a moment of strength. I saw my husband fighting a battle that most won’t ever know the pain of fighting. And in that moment, I was humbled by his choice to be honest with me, to be transparent in what he was going through.

As the spouse of someone beginning this journey of therapy, I am learning what my role is. I will be hopeful. I will offer grace. I will listen. I won’t forget that perseverance matters. He will get there. I will continue to be his safe place to land, and I will remind myself my love is so needed.

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What Thread Can Teach Us About Recovery From Mental Illness

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I’m trying to be more interactive with people I know are struggling with mental health issues. Twitter seems to be a great place to connect, for whatever reason. Today, it struck me again how we all need to stick together. Alone, as individuals, I believe we’re as weak as a thread when we’re having an “off” day. It can take very little to make us snap. We know it too, and our strength is focused on keeping the few fibers of that thread holding together…

Here’s a thought, however. Take one loop of thread. I’m able to snap that thread with almost no effort. But five threads? That gets a bit more difficult. What about 10? Or 20? So what? You may be wondering what a stupid piece of thread has to do with mental health.

It’s actually quite simple. You see, if I try on my own to keep my world together when I’m having a bad day, it’s gonna be a hell of a tough time. However, if I share my struggles, suddenly I find don’t have a single thread holding things together. Instead, people start coming together in support. They add their thread to mine. And suddenly, instead of a single black thread, there are colors and strength added to my day. And if we step back, those threads and colors are just a bit of this massive tapestry.

Sure, we all have our days, both good and bad. But I’ll tell you this. I know my life has been touched and impacted by people I’ll probably only know online. And I know I’ve touched and impacted others as well.

We’re all flawed, we’re all “frayed threads,” that’s true. But if we work together, our strengths and weaknesses create the most amazing image of strength, all the more beautiful for the the imperfections woven throughout.

This story originally appeared on Medium.

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Thinkstock photo via ogolne.

 

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The Negative Thoughts and Feelings I Have With My Depression

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Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

Sometimes I feel alone, lost, depressed, anxious and worthless.

Sometimes I feel so alone. This idea that I’m the only person in the world who doesn’t deserve other people in my life is mostly what is behind that feeling. Hanging out with friends helps this; my friends remind me I’m not alone in this world, and no one is. There is always someone who will be there. I don’t always remember it but when I do it’s a helpful reminder.

Sometimes I feel lost. I don’t know where my life is going, I’m not sure if I am doing the things I need to do to get where I want to be, and sometimes I just don’t know what to do about anything. There are times when I’ll freeze up and it’s like my mind doesn’t know how to work for a few minutes; it’s like I can’t speak or think anything.

Sometimes I feel depressed. Feeling so down and worthless. I’ll feel like I don’t matter and I don’t deserve a life. Some days I have no interest in anything, all I want to do is sleep and there’s no motivation. There are days when I don’t want to push myself through it and do what I need or want to do.

Quite often, I feel anxiety. Mostly it’s social situations that bring up the anxiety. I get so caught up in my head with all the things that could go wrong or bad. So many thoughts will run through my mind and I have to try to prepare myself for every possible outcome that could happen. It’s really exhausting, which then causes me to feel tired, both physically and mentally.

The worthlessness comes from the depression and also from low self-worth. I think I don’t deserve good things, happiness, fairness, friends, etc. I don’t really know what else to say about that. Feeling worthless is really hard; especially when you’re working through depression because some days feeling worthless makes some thoughts more extreme or louder than other days. It’s tough to fight through that feeling to get the help I need.

There are days when I want to just curl up in a ball and erase myself from the world. It’s really exhausting to fight and push through those thoughts nearly every day.

Just like there are days I want to curl up there are also good days; I am grateful for those. I’m grateful for my family, friends and the treatment providers I’ve seen. Reminding myself of what I’m grateful for helps me in the moment. Sometimes distracting myself for a bit is helpful too, in order to put some distance between myself and the negative thoughts — telling myself feelings don’t last forever and just because I think or feel something doesn’t mean it is true.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.

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How a Simple E-Mail Sent Me Into a Depressive Episode

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I was having a good day. But then, in an instant, it changed. That is the nature of my illness.

I saw an e-mail. Opened it. A few seconds went by and then there they were — symptoms I know all too well as early warnings I am about to have a depressive episode. My sense of calm from a few minutes earlier was replaced with an overwhelming sense of sadness and guilt. My normally optimistic outlook was replaced with a sense of hopelessness.

I send my girlfriend a message. It was irrational, and I knew it as I wrote it. I knew I was in it then. The episode was no longer on the horizon. It was on me. I had to fight like hell to prevent myself from losing full control.

I send my girlfriend another message. “I’m losing control,” I say. She knows what that means. After almost five years of dating, she has been through this before. She knows what to do. “OK. Call me when you can. I’m here,” she says. I say thanks and then say I will be MIA for a while. I know this doesn’t make her happy and she will worry but, for me to get through this, I need to do it by retreating inward.

I try and focus on something else but I feel tears on the verge of spewing out of my eyes. I know if I do not focus, I will start crying. My day becomes about preventing myself from going into a full-fledged depressive episode.

For me at least, preventing myself from fully losing control is hard. It is not as simple as flipping a switch. I need to put a lot of mental power into it.

I try to simply start thinking about something else. That doesn’t work. I take a deep breath and say to myself, “Just don’t cry. You can do this.” More deep breaths. More talking to myself. I’m not back in control, but I feel like I have prevented the full-fledged episode.

I look at the clock and angst comes over me. I have two hours of meetings. I think to myself, “How am I going to survive this without ending up on the floor crying? Forget that, how am I going to get through them without people seeing how awful I feel?”

I managed to get through the meetings without issue. They ended up being the best thing to happen to me because I was so focused on what was happening in the meetings, my mind was able to right itself.

And just like that, it was over. For four hours, my day was turned upside down. That is the reality of depression: it is always there, lurking in the background, just waiting for an opening. When you have depression, you are very aware of this. You wake up each morning knowing your day can change in an instant because of something as innocent as an e-mail you open.

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9 Things You Shouldn’t Say to Someone With Depression (and What to Say Instead)

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With the best of intentions we sometimes put our foot in it when it comes to supporting a mate or loved when who might be going through a tough time. Understanding depression and anxiety or any mental health issue can be bewildering for both the person unwell and their support network.

Sometimes we don’t always say the right thing to let the person know we are there for them. But words have power and thinking twice before offering advice, an opinion or a judgment to someone who is already feeling vulnerable, is key.

We’ve put together a few common scenarios people with depression/anxiety sometimes hear and offer an alternative response. These responses are more supportive and likely to encourage your loved one or friend to open up to you. Being able to open up without feeling judged, gives relief and establishes trust — and that’s the best gift you can give someone who’s struggling.

Here are some things you shouldn’t say to someone who has depression:

1. “I read that exercising every day is the best way to beat depression/anxiety, you should join the gym and start walking 5km a day. Endorphins, you need endorphins!”

While it’s true that exercising does help lessen the symptoms of depression and anxiety, some people, when they’re in a really low place, can barely cope with getting out of bed to shower. The gap between where they’re at to this new world of up and at ‘em, can seem impossible to reach.

Instead say: “I know when I have been feeling a bit off, getting out each morning for a walk really helped me get back to a better headspace. If you ever want a walking buddy or want to try Tai Chi or something like that, I would love to join you.”

2. “You have a great life, a great family, a beautiful home, what do you have to be depressed about?”

Depression/anxiety is not a choice and this is not a supportive comment, it will only alienate the person further. Your friend/loved one is probably very aware they have a “good life.” This comment will probably just shut down the possibility of them feeling comfortable opening up about their troubles with you.

Instead say: “I can see you’re doing it tough at the moment. Do you feel like opening up about what’s happening, I have time to talk? If not now, you can call me anytime, I’m always here for you, please know that.”

3. “You just need to get out of the house, you’re cooped up here on your own and that can’t be good for you, no wonder you’re depressed!”

People who are struggling with depression or anxiety just can’t leave the house, sometimes. Facing the world when they are at their worst is just not an option for them. It just isn’t.

Instead try: “If you feel like going for a walk, even just around the block, I would love that. Have a think about it. If not today, how about tomorrow? I really need to walk too, you’d actually be helping me get more active.”

4. “You need to snap out of this, it’s not fair on the rest of your family/friends, you’re being selfish.”

Red flag to a probably exhausted bull. This is not helpful, it can feel judgmental and alienating. This is not a choice, it’s something that feels completely out of their control. Guilt and shame compound their problem.

Instead try: Is there anything I can do to make this time a little easier for you? Can I drive you to see your doctor or phone and make an appointment for you? How can I best support you?

5. “I was depressed for a few days once, I get it, but I just made myself get over it. You should just try and be happy.”

Being out of sorts for a few days does not equate to depression and comparing your situation to someone else’s isn’t supportive.

Instead say: “I went through a few rough days myself a couple of years ago, but I managed to get myself back on track. I know this is probably different, but I’d be happy to share what got me through it, if you think it might help.”

6. “I’m throwing a dinner party to cheer you up, it’ll just be a few close friends and family.”

Eek! With the best of intentions, you have probably seen the wide-eyed look of horror on your friend’s face in response to that well-meaning offer. Depression and anxiety are no friend to socializing. Even if the guests are people they know well. The pressure to chat and appear happy when you’re not is exhausting .

Instead say: “I would love to have you around for lunch or a cuppa one day next week, just you and me, is that something you feel like you might be able to handle at the moment?”

7. “You’re depressed because you have nothing meaningful to do in your life. You need to socialize more or join a club, just get out and about more, you need to make an effort.”

While social connectedness and feeling a part of things is definitely key to a healthier lifestyle and a sense of well-being, not everyone with depression or anxiety is capable of taking such a big step. It can be scary enough for some people when they’re feeling great, but a terrifying prospect when that person is not at their best.

Instead try: I was thinking about joining, (e.g.) ‘Ladies who Luncheon,’ it looks like a lot of fun and it’s only once a fortnight. I’d feel a lot better if I had someone to go with, would you consider coming with me next week if you’re feeling up to it?”

8. “I’m trying to be supportive and I know you can’t help having depression/anxiety, but you’ve been taking medication for a while now, so how come it’s not working? How long before you’ll be better?”

How long is a piece of string? The odds are your friend or loved one has been wondering the same thing. Getting better or just managing a condition, even on medication, is different for everyone. There’s no quick fix and making the person feel like they’re not getting better fast enough, will possibly make them withdraw further.

Instead say: “Have you had a chat to your doctor lately about your progress, how are you feeling about it all? I’m happy to listen if you want to get anything off your chest. This must be very frustrating for you and sometimes a good vent helps. I’ll make us a cuppa.”

9. “This mood you’re in is a choice you know? You need to pull yourself up by the boot straps and get on with things. People depend on you, you know.”

Oh, thank you for being so frank, said no one ever. A comment like this will only further compound the isolation this person is already feeling. It will It certainly not open up any opportunity for meaningful connection or conversation, which could actually be the starting point to them getting help.

Try instead: “I really can’t relate to how you’re feeling, mate.  I haven’t had depression so it’s hard for me to understand what you’re going through right now. I wish I could understand it a bit better, so if you want to talk to me about it, I’ll make us a cuppa and sit with you for a while.”

Have you helped a friend, loved one or colleague through a tough time? What did you do or say to let them know they were supported and not judged?

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How the Girl Guides Helped Me in the Early Days of My Struggle With Mental Illness

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I started Girl Guides just before my seventh birthday and stayed with them for over 12 years before I finished up at 19 years old. Even though I am no longer an active member, I will never forget my time spent as a Girl Guide. For me, it was far more than just an after school activity, it was lifesaving.

I didn’t know at the time, but in my early teens, I started experiencing symptoms of mental illness. I was being bullied at school and I started to feel very different from the other kids. I was becoming isolated and confused, not understanding what was going on inside my own head.

Guiding gave me a safe place to be myself, a place where I felt accepted as “one of the gang.” I developed friendships and support I struggled to find elsewhere. Guiding was more than just a group of girls hanging out together, it was a second family. People who I knew had my back, no matter what.

Guiding got me out of the house and away from my thoughts for a couple of hours each week. It got me doing things I would never have otherwise done. Learning all kinds of skills and accomplishing some incredible things. The range of activities I got to participate in was as varied as door knocking to raise money for charity, to playing silly games where you have to try and cut up a block of chocolate with a knife and fork while wearing a hat, scarf and gloves. I participated in selling ice cream at festivals, volunteering at a Christmas party for disabled children, rope courses, hiking, camping, building solar ovens, joining in Anzac Day marches, sleepovers, raft building, delivering phone books, singing Spice Girls songs at the back of a bus, earning badges and completing various certificates. The list could go on forever.

In doing all these things, I got to meet so many amazing people and developed friendships I couldn’t imagine finding anywhere else. These friends came at a time when I needed them the most. Some of these friends recognized when I wasn’t feeling myself, and offered support without judgment, even when I could offer no explanation as to what was going on, or why. These friends listened to me, they distracted me, they gave me something else to focus on and they gave me laughter and genuine moments of true happiness.

Guiding provided me with activities that got me to exercise my body and my mind, both of which are good for the reduction in depression and other mental illnesses. It got me doing the things I needed to do, even though I didn’t know it was what I needed at the time.

Guiding stopped me from feeling completely isolated and alone at a time when I was feeling particularly vulnerable. It stopped me from potentially going into a complete downward spiral when it would have been so easy to just slip over the edge. Guiding was my safety net.

Because of Guiding, I have lifelong friends. Despite the fact that I don’t talk to them as frequently as I used to, I know when things get tough, I can always call on them for help, just as they can call on me.

This post originally appeared on Alison’s blog.

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