Why I'm Holding Onto Hope for a Life Without Migraines
It’s all connected. My migraines trigger my depression, my depression feeds into my migraines (affecting my ability to manage them), and the ripple effect continues throughout my body until every inch and atom is in pain. The slightest touch on my skin makes me want to curl up in a ball. If anyone dares to sit next to me, causing the cushions or mattress to shift under their weight, I will cry out in pain from the movement. Like many who expereince migraines, my migraines spread from a spark of pain in my head into a whole-body migraine that are completely debilitating.
Emotionally, I start to hate myself for not being able to do typical things like go grocery shopping or even get up and shower. If my migraine lasts for more than a day, as they often do, I start to forget what life is like when I’m not in pain. The longer it goes on, the deeper I fall into a self-loathing depression as my thoughts darken and my hopes of freedom from pain disappear. I joke about wanting to cut off my head to get rid of the pain, but at this point, I’m not really joking. It hurts. Everything hurts, physically and emotionally. I feel betrayed by my body and by the universe for handing me so much pain.
But I won’t give up hope. The next magic pill invention might actually work. The migraine diet I’m on might actually make a difference three months from now. Moving to a colder climate to minimize my heat triggers, searching for a less stressful job, and being kinder to myself – all these things might help reduce the duration and frequency of my migraines. Even if they don’t, I will still hold onto and relish the few days a month when I am completely migraine free and I’m bustling with energy. I will still soak in the days when the sunlight doesn’t hurt me. I won’t let go of the possibility of a life without pain.
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