To the Best Friend I Lost While Fighting My Depression

Dear lost friend,

I’m so sorry our friendship fell apart. I was afraid to tell you how badly I was struggling because I knew you had enough going on in your life. You might feel like I abandoned you when I decided we should stop talking, but please understand I left for both of us.

My therapist describes support systems kind of like the legs of a table; you are the tabletop, and your support is obviously the legs, holding you up when you can’t support yourself. But when one of those legs is broken, it can’t support the weight of the table because it can’t keep itself together.

I was a broken leg in your support system, and you were one in mine: both of us depending on the other to alleviate the weight on our shoulders. Our friendship became unhealthy and we were overwhelming ourselves worrying about each other. I left because I had to take the time to learn how to love myself and put myself in front of the needs of others. You can’t hold the weight of a table if you’re a broken leg. I needed to fix myself.

Please know I love you, and I think about you every day. I want to message you every day and talk to you like nothing is wrong. I want to pretend I never lost myself and everything is normal. You will always be my nonbiological sister. I hope you become the best history teacher Colorado has to offer. I hope you find a house big enough for a hundred dogs. I hope you find happiness. I hope you find a best friend who can support you in your hardest times, and love you in your best. I’m rooting for you always.

I miss you.

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Unsplash photo via Artem Kovalev