To My Husband, Who Has Only Known Me in Remission
You are the love of my life, though our love is far from perfect. On the eve of our nine year anniversary I look back to all we’ve been through. We made it through loss after loss, setback after setback. We’ve leaned on each other and tried our hardest to be fair to one another. It is likely that things are about to get worse before they get better. It is likely that I’ll be leaning on you far more and I won’t be able to do what I once did. I don’t feel like me right now, and I may not for a while. I’ve always been upfront with you about my health and what lupus means to me. You are about to see it first hand.
Things with me started to decline at the beginning of this year. I ended up in the hospital for two days. I felt sick and broken. The doctors didn’t know what caused this decline and you took responsibility for it, even though I didn’t blame you.
Traumatic incidents can cause lupus flares. My first was caused by the passing of my grandfather. We also lost your brother and my best friend. Could this have been the perfect cocktail for lupus to come out of the shadows and wake up from its 10 year slumber? Could be. But I’m not going to be bitter. I’m not going to focus on the problem. I’m going to focus on the solution.
I won’t blame anyone else for what lupus does to my body, my mind and my spirit. I am weary. I am emotional and I won’t hide my feelings anymore. I am angry that I’m a 32 year old woman that feels like I’m 90. I am sad that I can’t do the things that I want to do. I am depressed because I feel that my body betrayed me.
My love, I need you to hold my hand. I need you to take care of me. I need you to understand that my body is battling itself and I’m suffering in a million ways that you can’t see. Most of all, I need you to understand that I don’t want to be sick, I don’t want to feel like a burden. I’m trying my best to stay positive and be the lupus warrior that I know I am. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, but I wish that there was a way you could truly understand how hard it is to get out of bed in the morning, how hard it is to concentrate, how hard it is to work through the pain and keep smiling even though I want to cry.
I want you to know that this isn’t your fault. This isn’t anyone’s fault. Placing blame accomplishes nothing but breeds resentment. This is not conducive to progress and healing. I need you to help me heal my heart and keep my spirit alive. More than ever, I need you. I can do this. We can do this.
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