To My Future Baby, Who Might Inherit My Chronic Condition
I know you must question why I decided to have you when there was a chance of passing along my disease. The truth is, every inch of my body wanted you so badly I saw no other option. And your dad – wow, your dad was so supportive and reassuring. He wanted you too, so badly, and could see how much I wanted you, so we both decided it would be worth it and we could make it work.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret now: I have had all the feelings you are experiencing and are yet to experience. I know and I understand the pain and how left out you might feel. But I also know about that fire burning deep inside you that keeps you going, even on days you feel like giving up. I know the compassion you feel for every other human being who is struggling with whatever ailment they have, and I know that feeling of not wanting another human being or creature to feel the pain you feel.
I know you will sometimes question how you can carry on, how you can keep fighting and how you will survive another day. The answer is this: you are a warrior. You can do absolutely anything you set your mind to, and you have your dad and I supporting you 100 percent no matter what.
The truth is, you might have days when you’re mad at me for passing on this condition. You might sit in the corner and cry and not want to take another breath. But I also know you’ll eventually run out of tears and you’ll realize you are OK, that things are tough and that some things aren’t fair. You’ll go to bed exhausted, but you’ll get up the next day your bubbly self as if nothing happened, because you know life goes on and that everything will work out OK in the end because you have God on your side and you are only ever given a life you can handle.
Baby, I cannot promise you a life that is all sunshine and rainbows. There will be days where you have to do things for me because I cannot get out of bed in the morning and Dad can’t take time off work to help. There will be days I have to carry you down the stairs or wash your hair because you have used every ounce of energy that day. No doubt there will be countless duvet days and movie marathons. There will be take-out nights because neither of us can stand to cook or wash dishes and our local Chinese restaurant will probably know us by name.
Like me, you might have sarcastic humor you use to help you cope with everything you deal with. But what I can promise is you are loved unconditionally and have our support no matter what. You will always come first and your happiness is our number one priority. You will get through this my darling, I promise you.
All my love,
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Thinkstock photo via Mike Watson Images.