What ‘I Literally Can’t Even’ Means to Someone With Depression
Depression? I literally can’t even.
No, I’m not using this phrase in a way that a teenage girl on Tumblr would do to over exaggerate something. On the worst days with my depression, everyday tasks seem so impossible that I literally can’t even.
I can’t even get out of bed because no matter how much I sleep, I still feel exhausted. In the past, I was a morning person who would jump out of bed as soon as my alarm went off at 7 a.m., but now, I often wake up at 10 a.m. and lay there for an hour until I can muster up the energy to walk to the bathroom.
I can’t even eat breakfast because I either can’t find the effort to walk to the kitchen or I have such poor appetite that it doesn’t seem worth the effort. On the flip side, if there is food already in my room, I will eat excessively for comfort.
I can’t even tidy up my room because I can’t find the motivation to clean. This makes me feel even worse because living in your own mess isn’t particularly uplifting. This starts a vicious cycle of feeling too down to clean, then feeling even more down because of the mess.
I can’t even go outside because that means dragging myself out of bed, picking out an outfit, getting dressed, walking to wherever I need to go and then trying as hard as I can to not look like a walking zombie to the public.
My depression prevents me from doing all of these activities and more, and it makes it extremely difficult to properly function from day to day. No matter how much I miss going out with friends, watching TV, exercising and working, the steps necessary to do these things often seem impossible. Sometimes depression makes me feel like I’m not living, just surviving. My basic needs are being met, but I am getting little enjoyment out life.
However, when I do manage to complete these little tasks, it reminds me that things will get better. I don’t know for sure if these feeling will ever leave, but I know that I will learn how to cope with them. With the help of therapy, medication and family and friends, I am slowly beginning to understand my feelings and learning how to control the effect they have on my life so I can eventually get back to doing more of the things I love.
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