When BPD Makes You Feel Like 'Too Much'
I’ve always been “too much.” Too emotional, too loud, too talkative, too loving, too intense.
Even as I child I remember being this way, crying when a voice was raised just slightly out of my comfort zone, crying and uncontrollably apologizing when I had dropped a glass or plate which then smashed. The smallest of accidents I carried with a heavy burden because I believed they were my fault, I had done wrong.
I carried my label of “too much” into high school. Being the loudest and a lot to handle. Creating arguments with teachers and profusely apologizing afterwards because they were safe people who I knew would validate me. Laughing so hard and passionately at a classroom joke for a while after everyone else had stopped because those few minutes of happiness in a world where emotions were forbidden for me, were so euphoric I didn’t know what to do with myself.
Feeling love so deeply that every inch of my being aches with affection I can’t always give to people. Having so much love that ultimately people run away from because I’m “trying too hard” or “trying too much.”
Passion. My fuel. The one thing I know will keep me going, like a car on petrol. If I am not passionate about something, I will not do it. A lot of people have mistaken that for laziness, but it’s the opposite. Sometimes having arguably “too much” passion, having to complete something perfectly, so much that it starts to feed into my OCD.
Although “too much” may be an accurate term to describe me, I know that to someone, someday, my “too much” will be just enough for them. But until then, I believe it’s always best to have to have “too much” than not enough, especially in this world.
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Thinkstock photo via AnkDesign.