What Neurocardiogenic Syncope Really Feels Like

I get a sudden awareness that things aren’t as sharp as a moment before.

The children who just argued in the next room, now sound muffled… are they outside? How did they get there in an instant?

My peripheral vision slowly fades out. First in spots, then gone entirely as if there is nothing in the room aside from what’s right in front of me.

My body struggles with an instant and intense exhaustion like I ran a marathon. Like I haven’t slept in weeks. Like I ran a marathon after not sleeping for weeks…

The nausea crashes into me as an ocean wave crashes into the shore. My stomach is sick. My brain is sick.

My body is sick.

I fight a war against myself in this moment. Who needs the limited energy more? Sometimes my brain wins and my body loses. I lay down and go to sleep the minute my eyes shut. I will wake in an hour or two. Or three.

But sometimes my brain loses… I feel a cold come over my skin. I start to panic as my words are lost. They are in my mind, but I am no longer able to utter them. I can’t move. I can’t speak. It gets hard to even breathe. Then the world goes black. I hear the worried sounds of my babies in the distance. Mommy passed out.

Don’t worry mommy. I’m here.

Or the sounds of strangers. Is she OK? Do I need to call a paramedic? People telling my husband to raise my feet or lift me up and him trying to explain that I have to stay there… on the ground… on the concrete… on the gravel… on a dirty bathroom floor. Wherever I happened to have gone down this time.

When I awaken I am surrounded by faces. Some I know and some I don’t. I’m embarrassed. Sometimes exposed depending on how I fell. Sometimes injured. Always sore and always ashamed. My breathing is uncontrollable for a few minutes.

Slowly everything stabilizes. I am back to normal and no one would ever know to look at me that I have this problem. I look too well to be disabled.

Everyone is fighting a demon that you’ve never met…

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