I Am Done Apologizing for Having Good Days With Chronic Illness
I have an invisible chronic illness. I’m lucky if I have enough strength to shower, let alone get out of bed on my worst days. 99 percent of the time you can find me on the couch in my pajamas just relaxing. My bad days outweigh the good most of the time. I can’t control endometriosis or its side effects. I cherish the good days I do get, and when I am feeling OK, I like to have as much fun as possible because I know it’ll soon end.
I like to push my limits, do things I don’t get to do. I like to smile, I like to laugh, I like to do ridiculous things while my pain is tolerable. Why should I feel guilty for that? Why should I apologize for having fun? Why is it OK for people to tell me I’m faking it because I’m actually enjoying myself? Why are people so quick to discredit you, so quick to call you a liar, so quick to judge you?
Some people will never believe you either way. They’ll find anything they can to discredit you and that is truly a sad thing. I didn’t ask for this illness. I’m a human being who just wants to know what it’s like to laugh and to smile without pain. I don’t even know what it feels like to live a day with no pain. To laugh without it hurting my lungs. To smile without it being forced. I get to experience a semi-normal life with tolerable pain one percent of the time. I get to leave the house once a week if I’m lucky.
People think if you have a chronic illness, you aren’t able to do anything. No, that isn’t true. What do you expect us to do? Our life is going to keep going whether we like it or not. We can’t pause it. We have to work to pay our bills. We have to take care of our children. We have to get up every day despite the agonizing pain we might be in and we have to fight through it because, at the end of the day, stuff has to get done.
If I’m having a good day and I want to document it through pictures and post it, I’m instantly looked at as a faker. Because how can someone have that much pain and still go out and have fun? If I’m undergoing a surgery, etc., and I post a picture asking for positive thoughts, I’m looked at as an attention-seeker. How is that fair?
All you’re seeing is a Facebook post. You don’t see me the 99 percent of the time. You don’t see me with bags under my eyes from the lack of sleep I’ve gotten. You don’t see me clinging to my stomach at 2:00 in the morning repeating over and over “please stop the pain, please stop it.” You don’t see me, you don’t know all I go through. Just because you can’t see my actual illness does not mean it’s not real. Because it is.
I have a chronic illness. I shouldn’t have to act a certain way to validate it. I have no cure. I have life with this illness. This illness does not define me. I have goals and dreams I plan to achieve. That I will achieve. I’m human. I’m you.
I’m done apologizing for being sick. I’m done apologizing for laughing out loud and enjoying myself on the good days. I’m done explaining myself to others who can’t comprehend what I go through. I shouldn’t have to prove anything to anyone, and I’m not going to. I am me. I don’t need your pity, your sympathy or your judgments of my life.
To anyone who is struggling like I am and is finding themselves constantly apologizing for every little thing… just stop. Stop letting people get to you, stop letting them define you. Stop letting them control how you are supposed to act. You are human, you have a life and you deserve to say how you want to live it. We are still capable of anything. We are the brave ones, we are the warriors. Don’t spend your good days trying to justify your life or your actions to strangers. Don’t let them be the judge and jury to your life. We got this, we know the pain we feel, we know how badly we wish to have good days, we know how it feels to want to celebrate them while you can, we know how we feel. Stay strong beautiful, we got this. No more guilt, apologies or validation needed. We got this.
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My Name is Gage Paslay and I am 27 years old. I’ve been struggling with this invisible illness called Endometriosis since I was 12 years old. It’s chronic and I deal with pain everyday. There is no cure for it so it will forever be a part of me and it’s something i’m going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. I have good days and bad. It takes 7 plus years just to receive a diagnosis and its often misdiagnosed. Over the years i’ve received different diagnosis and i’ve been on countless medications and treatments that haven’t worked. Luckily, I was finally diagnosed correctly In December of 2016 by laparoscopy, the only way to determine if you have it or not. However, it made my symptoms worse and I am now looking into excision surgery. My blog is really about bringing awareness to this debilitating chronic invisible illness. 1 in 10 people assigned female at birth have Endometriosis and so many of them haven’t received a diagnosis yet or they are waiting to have another surgery. Endometriosis impacts people in almost every aspect of their lives. How, when and if we can have children. How our cycles work and how long they may last. It gives us pain sometimes so debilitating we can’t even get out of bed in the morning. It messes with our mood. It also impacts our relationships with family and friends. It sometimes overpowers us and defines who we are. So this page is about me speaking out for myself and for everyone struggling from any kind of chronic illness. You aren’t alone. Together, we have each other. I know what its like to have no one, to feel like you are stuck in a dark hole and no one is willing to pull you out. I’ve been there. I want to show light to people who are struggling, I want to encourage others to speak up and stand up for themselves. This disease shouldn’t define us and it shouldn’t control us. You shouldn’t feel guilty for being sick because it’s not your fault. I struggle everyday AND i’ve survived every bad day I thought I couldn’t get through..I’m rising up everyday and so can you. If you’re interested in finding out more about Endometriosis, watch my videos, read my blogs and follow my journey. If You are a Endometriosis Warrior like me, follow me. Share them with your friends and family. React to them. My voice is one in many but I’m determined to make sure its heard. This is me taking a stand against anyone who has ever told me “Its all in my head” or “I’m overreacting” or “It ’s just period cramps”. #I’llRiseUp.
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