How Intrusive OCD Thoughts Made Me Fear I Was Aroused by My Sister
Editor’s note: If you struggle with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. To find help visit International OCD Foundation’s website.
There was nobody I could tell who I felt wouldn’t think I was some sick “weirdo” — sexual thoughts about my sister? My dad? My dog? My friends? Strangers? You name it. Sexually intrusive thoughts plagued my mind. Being the most disturbing to me, I gave them the biggest share of fear, anxiety and disgust out of all my obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) themes. What really nailed these thoughts into my mind in a way I couldn’t remove them was groinal responses. How exactly was I to rationalize not having an inappropriate desire if my body itself was seemingly becoming aroused?
Unwanted swirling sexual images of people other than my girlfriend, whom I wish nothing but to be faithful to, constantly flashed in my mind. They made me aroused solely out of fear of actually being aroused by them. I feel like OCD won’t leave my genitals alone, like it won’t stop simulating unconsented sex in my mind.
The first time I had intrusive thoughts about my sister, it drove me to the point of crying. I left her house and stayed with my parents for days before I could face her again. Other intrusive thoughts and related fears are already hard to face, but battling with a groinal response is a battle I’m not sure how to win just yet.
Explaining why I don’t want to hug people or be around them sometimes is hard, but please — if someone with OCD does not want to have a specific interaction with you then don’t force them. It’s just so painful.
For others with this OCD theme, what has helped so far is trying to figure out the subtle differences between actual arousal and “arousal” out of fear, so you may identify it a bit better. I hope your mind gives you a break today.
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