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What You Can Do To Help a Mom Who Has to Make Difficult Decisions for Her Sick Child


Preparing for the birth of my boys, I read all sorts of conflicting articles about what was best for my babies. Some typical topics
included breastfeeding versus bottle feeding, cry-it-out versus attachment parenting, and organic food versus non-organic. I wasn’t prepared for the shear amount of difficult decisions or for the upcoming criticisms of whatever I chose, but it was clear I wasn’t the only mother having to make those choices. All mothers were.

However, when my youngest son became chronically ill and diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, there was a loneliness in the decisions that I had to make. It was completely overwhelming.

When should I take him to a new specialist? Are the medications sufficient? Will we financially be able to cope with the medical bills? What about side-effects? Could he tolerate another invasive procedure, surgery or test? Does this accommodate his special diet? When will he use a mobility aid? Should I let him play on the park playground? How do I teach him about himself and how do I teach others? Is he having a quality childhood? When do I worry? When do I not worry?

 

As if these never ending decisions aren’t enough to handle, the unsolicited advice and criticisms took on a life of their own. I would get personal messages about what type of new and improved supplement my young son should be taking. I was told he shouldn’t do this physical activity, but he needs plenty of exercise. I was sent many diets and programs. It was a solid trail of “you should” or “you shouldn’t” or “why don’t you.”

I knew the “solicitors” weren’t meaning harm. I knew that, but what I really wanted was a hug, or reassurance, or someone to go to lunch with to take my mind away from it all. I think sometimes this “advice” originates from others wanting to do something to help. Friends and loved ones can feel helpless and want to do something, anything.

Well, here is something you can do: listen, ask questions and be present.

Please don’t run or retreat, and don’t offer unsolicited advice. As mothers, we do the very best we can for our children. It isn’t easy to have a sick child. There isn’t a handbook or golden rule — as much as I sometimes wish there were.

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