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When Depression Is Hard to Handle, I Still Hold Onto Hope

Lately, the depression I have been experiencing has been hard to handle. I am someone that has a very positive attitude despite everything I live with and go through, but it’s been difficult for a few weeks now to see the good in everything.

I know that depression can happen when you live with chronic illness and chronic pain, but normally, I can get in my Bible and spend time with the Lord and this helps me refocus on the blessings I have. Everyone is always asking me how I hold it all together with what I deal with every single minute and I always say Jesus gets me through. I think Jesus is working with me on this. I don’t share how I am feeling most of the time because I don’t like complaining or burdening others. Everyone has their own share of problems, the last thing I want to do is add to them, so I stay silent.

I have suggested to many other friends, that they must talk to someone they feel safe discussing problems with. A good friend, counselor, pastor. I don’t do so well with this on my own. I think it’s more of a control issue for me. I can’t control the pain associated with the fibromyalgia or degenerative disc disease or the “bone-on-bone” pain in my knees and hips, but by golly, I can control not being downtrodden and “woe is me” attitude.

Until it all comes caving in, because I chose not to share that I am not fine — I am far from it. I don’t have it all together, I am just holding onto the hope that soon I will have a better day than the last.

And I had the realization that I will not be “fine” by the worlds standards. I have to accept the fact that I am on disability for a reason. I have to remember that some days wearing my pajamas all day is the best I can do. Getting dressed requires too much time, effort and energy. And the most frustrating part is I feel like I could sob for days, but the tears won’t come. I guess it’s because if I let the tears loose, then I am not in control… or am I?

I am the type of woman that cries at Hallmark Card Commercials, so I can’t imagine why it is so difficult for me to cry because I hurt, I’m beyond exhausted, my mind doesn’t retain information like it used to and I don’t even remember what it was like to have enough energy to shower every single day.

Depression makes me irritable and grouchy. It makes me beyond sad. I think I needed to say these words to realize that I am doing the best I can every single day. And the days that depression punches me in the face, I need to talk about it instead of saying I am OK.

Tomorrow is a new day and I have to remember that not all days will be rosy. It’s OK to feel the way I do. I will never let go of hope, but today I can just be me, depression and all.

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Thinkstock photo via maroznc 

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