When I Was Finally Diagnosed With Borderline Personality Disorder
I have been to multiple doctors, taken a cocktail of medications and participated in therapy for a year, but no one saw it.
Despite my symptoms, the places I was receiving treatment from were so focused on getting me in and out the door that they failed to realize the truth behind my mental illness. So I did my own research, found a specialist and presented my case to a new therapist.
That’s when I found out I had borderline personality disorder. I had spent years wondering why I was feeling the way I felt and why nothing was working, but this year I finally got an answer.
My life with borderline personality disorder is not easy. I am a time bomb, patiently waiting for the next explosion of emotions. I feel everything at once or nothing at all. My moods range from a euphoric burst of happiness to feeling like there’s no point in living anymore, and all of this can happen in a matter of seconds.
I always saw myself as someone who was constantly evolving, changing and growing; however, I realized that those thoughts were a result of my lack of identity, my inability to have one distinct perception of self.
I am desperate, terrified that one day you will all leave me, stop loving me and even start to hate me. So, I do stupid things to reassure myself that you’re not going to leave me. I will test you, pushing you to the edge to see if you’re really going to stay. Sometimes I push you away because my head is telling me you’re just going to leave anyway.
I know I am impulsive; but it nags at me, itches me until I indulge in some sort of release. So I am sorry that I snap at you, that my anger is often inappropriate and uncalled for. But trust me when I say this: I feel guilty enough afterwards.
I think the worst thing, the most unpleasant and repulsive thing I have ever known, is the emptiness. When it’s all said and done, when the high of emotional intensity fades away, I am left with nothing. Not love, not hate, not happiness, not depression, just emptiness.
For years I have wondered why I feel this way, why I couldn’t find an explanation for all these symptoms.
Now I know.
I have borderline personality disorder, but I am not ashamed.
I am OK.
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Unsplash photo via Sebastian Tiplea