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To the Mommies Struggling With Depression Right Now

If you are reading this, this is for you.

I know how lonely it gets. I know how it feels at the end of the day. Whether you’re laying in bed with your significant other, your child or even your pet. I know what it’s like to get a full night of sleep and still wake up exhausted.

I know the feeling of guilt. For being sad, despite everything good going on. I know what it’s like to feel like nobody wants to be around you because you’re “never happy” or “always depressed.”

When I lost everyone is when I needed them the most.

My boyfriend did everything in his power to repair the damage that at that time, wasn’t fixable. To get better, I had to learn to accept my mental illness and love myself. But it was not an easy road. I lost my mind, my job and almost my life.

I know exactly what it’s like to be stuck in the cycle of anxiety and depression. For anything and everything to be a trigger after getting done with a three week episode. To want to give up on everything because the universe feels like it keeps on punishing you no matter how hard you try or how much you pray.

I can’t count how many times I sat in the shower crying, begging for God to take the pain away. How many times I had to ask my boyfriend to turn the lights off, just so I could “ugly cry” in his arms. How many times he has had to scoop me in his arms like I’m a big baby because I can’t control my breathing. How many times I woke up in the middle of the night in a full-blown panic attack. A few times going to the emergency room because of an anxiety attack that wouldn’t fade. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve had to miss work for months at a time, all because I can’t function enough to get through a day, or even an hour.

I remember how hard it was/how hard it still is to be a mother while trying to repair my mental health. What a shitty feeling it is when my daughter just wants to spend time with me or have me in the same room and all I want is to curl up in a ball and cry in bed and shut the world out.

Today, I had an episode. I had a meltdown with my daughter in the car while my boyfriend was driving. He had to pull over at a gas station, get me out of the car and hold me. He never lets her see me cry, so he didn’t. Eventually, she asked why we went to the gas station. I had to tell her “because mommy’s sick and I needed a hug.” And this is very true. Mommy is sick, but Mommy is getting better.

I cannot and will never be able to relate to everyone who has an “invisible illness.” But what I can relate to, is feeling alone in a full room of people. Losing hope in the universe and slowly fading away from prayers. Wanting to give up and even reaching the point of giving up. I even gave up on the saying “God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle,” because at times, I couldn’t handle it. But with absolutely everything in me, I fought and I’m still fighting. Some days, I give into the darkness. Because I’m not strong enough to fight it off and that’s OK. I now know the universe will balance everything out for me. For every tear I’ve shed, I will smile. For every ounce of pain that I felt, I will feel happiness. For every rain drop that falls, a flower will grow.

So for every devastating battle you face and fight through, my friend; the universe will reward you. You are not alone. The universe loves you. I believe in you. Please do not give up.

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Thinkstock photo via Taws13