What My Depression Tells Me
I don’t know about you, but my depression tells me a lot of stuff.
Depression tells me to stay home. To stay in bed. To cancel those plans I’ve had with friends for about two weeks. “Don’t shower, what’s the point? You have no friends anyway. It’s OK if you miss a couple of days from school or work. They just make you more depressed.”
My mom will ask me, “Honey, have you taken your pills? Have you called your therapist? Have you talked to your psychiatrist?” Which usually results with me kind of rolling my eyes, and a “yes, Mom.” I have been taking my pills, and I see my therapist once a week. I just called my psychiatrist but it’s a little bit of wait until I can get in to see her.
My therapist will ask me, “what’s going on?” — all I can answer with is, “I don’t know.” I have no clue what’s going on. I’m on a pretty good medication regimen, I’ll continue to say. We’ll go back and forth, and it’ll come down to using coping skills. I just wanna say, “do you not understand?! I’m depressed, and coping skills are the last thing on my mind. I want to lie in bed, cry, eat, ignore the world and just be alone.” But I know if I say these things, she’ll say “I can’t help you if you don’t want to help yourself.”
A punch in the gut. I’ll feel like I made her angry and I’ll feel bad for feeling bad, but I can’t help the way I’m feeling. I didn’t ask to be depressed and I’m asking for help. I need someone to give me guidance, love me and help me get better.
So here I sit, a depressed ball. Crying at nothing, feeling lost and confused and preparing myself for more trial and error. Try this pill. Oh, it doesn’t work? Well here, try this one.
Depression is a nasty little monster that demands to be heard and felt.
Depression is the bad guy people are afraid of. We try to drown him out with antidepressants, but he’s a fighter. We need to be stronger than our depression, and that is the hardest fight in the world.
I applaud you if you are getting help with your depression. I also applaud all of your support people who are helping and supporting you.
You will fight this. You will be stronger than your depression. You will continue to get help.
Thank you, Mom, for being my push and my rock. I wouldn’t be where I am now if I didn’t have your care and love.
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Editor’s note: Please see a doctor before starting or stopping a medication.