Dear Chronic Pain, I Will Not Let You Steal My Happiness

Dear chronic pain,

I hate you, but I can’t imagine life without you. I want you gone, but I am scared for when that happens. I want to get better, but don’t want to do what it takes to get there. You are very confusing, and I am not sure if that makes me mad at you or at the world.

You make my life a living hell. You push me down and pursue kicking me when I’m lying on the ground. You make me question whether life is worth your pain, and I loathe you for that. I had finally gotten in a good place and you come crashing in as if to say I don’t deserve to be healthy. You make me hurt not only physically but emotionally. You make me cry, you make me scream, you make me wince, you make me dream. Dream of a life without you, a life where I am healthy, but then you rip those dreams away with a lightning strike down my leg or a stab in my spine.

I don’t get why nothing has helped ail you. I have put needles in you, steroids, numbing medicine, I have shocked you, I have done exercises, I have been in a brace, I stopped bending and twisting, I gave up my physical activity, I gave up my life to try to stop you.

I want my life back and I will fight you in whatever way that looks like. I have given up too much to let you win, and even though you take over some days, I will try to find happiness in every day. I will not be engulfed by your nastiness. I am a garden and you are just a weed.


sketch of a vase of flowers

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Lead photo via shtonado on Getty Images

Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.

Related to Chronic Pain

woman wrapped in a blanket and sitting on her couch

The Challenges of Living With Chronic Pain During Winter

Chronic pain bites. It can eat away at you body and mind, if you let it. When your pain relief is extremely limited for various reasons, it can become a living hell. Add cold weather to the mix and loneliness to the mix and it can be disastrous. As the weather gets colder, pain levels [...]
pill bottles

My Double Life as a Chronic Pain Patient in Addiction Recovery

Living between a rock and a hard place is an accurate description of my life. I intentionally live a double life of sorts. You see, I am in recovery from addiction and a chronic pain patient. Right now, the climate in our society is very inflammatory when it comes to these two worlds. The recovery community [...]
The Subtle Difference Between Saying “Think Positive” and “Stay Positive” to Someone with Chronic Pain by

The Difference in Telling a Person With Chronic Pain to 'Think Positive' vs. 'Stay Positive'

I don’t know about you, but for me, there is a difference when someone tells me to “think positive” as opposed to “stay positive.” The former implies an undermining of suffering, while the latter tells me that you’re on my team. Perhaps I have a case of word oversensitivity, but I’ll go ahead and tell [...]
White pills spread across a white table, falling out of the medication bottle.

When My Opioid Medication Was Taken Off the Market

None of the nurses or doctors believed me. After I had shoulder surgery we discovered that I’m immune to most pain medications. For me, taking Tylenol is like eating M&Ms. Morphine is about as effective at relieving my pain as sucking on a lollipop. But I was in agony. The nurses and doctors all thought [...]