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Dear Chronic Pain, I Will Not Let You Steal My Happiness


Dear chronic pain,

I hate you, but I can’t imagine life without you. I want you gone, but I am scared for when that happens. I want to get better, but don’t want to do what it takes to get there. You are very confusing, and I am not sure if that makes me mad at you or at the world.

You make my life a living hell. You push me down and pursue kicking me when I’m lying on the ground. You make me question whether life is worth your pain, and I loathe you for that. I had finally gotten in a good place and you come crashing in as if to say I don’t deserve to be healthy. You make me hurt not only physically but emotionally. You make me cry, you make me scream, you make me wince, you make me dream. Dream of a life without you, a life where I am healthy, but then you rip those dreams away with a lightning strike down my leg or a stab in my spine.

I don’t get why nothing has helped ail you. I have put needles in you, steroids, numbing medicine, I have shocked you, I have done exercises, I have been in a brace, I stopped bending and twisting, I gave up my physical activity, I gave up my life to try to stop you.

I want my life back and I will fight you in whatever way that looks like. I have given up too much to let you win, and even though you take over some days, I will try to find happiness in every day. I will not be engulfed by your nastiness. I am a garden and you are just a weed.

Sincerely,
Harper

sketch of a vase of flowers

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