What It's Really Like to Live With Borderline Personality Disorder

For me, borderline personality disorder is…

Being empty, then angry, then buzzing, then angry, then depressed, then anxious, then buzzing, then panicky, then hysterical, then confused, then self-destructive, then empty — all within the space of one hour.

It’s doing things you know aren’t good for you but losing the ability to care.

It’s feeling like a bottomless void yet simultaneously bursting with emotion.

It’s hating every atom of yourself, but feeling like you’re the fucking best thing on the planet.

It’s getting obsessively attached to someone for a few days then feeling absolutely nothing toward them when you see them.

It’s constantly questioning your identity.

It’s debating whether you’re this or that and never settling for one thing.

It’s not giving a fuck about what people think while at the same time, constantly analyzing someone’s behavior towards you.

It’s being convinced no one likes you and being surprised when someone shows they actually care about you.

It’s having no (or at least limited) control over your emotions.

It’s feeling so agitated you are limited to a physical body that it makes you feel sick to your core.

It’s desperately trying to control everything within your power because you can’t control yourself or your emotions.

It’s never feeling “ill” enough for help.

It’s desperately needing validation from people but feeling like you’re a pain in the ass.

It’s crying when someone asks if you’re OK, but feeling nothing when you stare into the eyes of people who hurt you.

It’s flitting between “I love you, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, I could never be without you” to “I hate you, how could you do this to me? How could you go from the best thing in my world to the worst? I never want to see you again.”

It’s seeing signs/holding influential beliefs in mundane things that others don’t, which you know seem illogical, but you can’t help but give power to them anyway.

It’s being torn in so many directions that you never commit to a decision.

It’s getting so paranoid that you can no longer discern what’s real and what isn’t, initiating more distress.

Most importantly, it’s loving so deeply.

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Unsplash photo via Almos Bechtold

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