I'm Not Depressed Anymore... but I'm Still Not Happy


This piece was written by  Holly Riordan, a Thought Catalog contributor.

I love my job, I love my friends, I love my life… for the most part. I have issues with each of them, because I’m only human, but there isn’t anything major that needs readjustment.

Besides, I’m not as unhappy as I used to be once upon a time, so I feel like I have no reason to complain. I feel like I should be thankful for everything that I have accomplished lately. I feel like whining about where I am now would be ungracious.

After all, compared to where I was in the past, things are going well for me. I am more mature. More successful. More confident. I have grown into a much better person.

Of course, there are still days when I struggle to climb out of bed. Days when I cancel plans because I can’t stomach the thought of leaving the house. Days when I want the rest of the world to disappear so I can have a chance to relax for a change.

Despite all of that, I definitely don’t think I’m depressed.

Of course, I’m not happy either.

Whenever I laugh, it’s only for a second before the sadness sets in again. It doesn’t matter if I meet up with my friends and have the time of my life. It doesn’t matter if my person gives me a goodnight kiss or if I have a detailed conversation with someone I admire. In the moment, I’m loving it. But as soon as it ends, I’m back at square one. I’m back feeling bleh. Feeling OK. Feeling fine.

However, fine isn’t good enough for me. Fine isn’t enough.

I don’t want to live a life that is only average, ordinary, mediocre. I want to live that excites me. A life I can say makes me proud.

I don’t want to settle, just because I have finally reached a place where I feel comfortable. I don’t want to let fine become my everyday mood.

I don’t want to keep feeling like this — balancing between happy and sad.

Up until now, I have put up with fine, because I know what it feels like to be depressed and this is so much better. This is a huge step up.

But that doesn’t mean it’s enough. That doesn’t mean I should accept it. That doesn’t mean I only deserve this and nothing more.

I want to experience authentic happiness. I want to be excited about waking up every morning and getting to work. I want to make plans with friends that I’ll count down the days until. I want to search for meaning. I want to feel like I have a purpose. I want to live instead of just existing.

I am no longer going to let fine be a part of my vocabulary. I am no longer going to settle for an average life, because I can do better than that. I deserve more than that.

I deserve to be happy. Truly happy. And I am going to find a way to make that happen.

This story was brought to you by Thought Catalog and Quote Catalog.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Unsplash photo via Frank Cordoba


Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.



Related to Depression

Woman with her hair in a bun

What You Should Know About the Girl With Unwashed Hair

The main thing people ask about my mental health is how I cope when it gets bad. The answer is, I don’t. I spend days upon days in bed or zoned out. I barely eat, drink or even move. The problem is that I have college on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, and I still have to [...]
A couple holding each other, holding a heart-shaped balloon. Text reads: 15 date ideas for a partner struggling with depression

15 Date Ideas for a Partner Struggling With Depression

Depression can sometimes make dating a challenge. Maybe you’re struggling with getting out of bed, and the thought of going on a date makes you feel more exhausted than you already are. Maybe you are feeling slightly better depression-wise, want to go on a date with your significant other, but have no idea what to do. [...]
young woman lying on bed in room looking at phone

What I Found When I Looked Back at My 2017 New Year’s Resolutions

Editor’s note: If you live with an eating disorder, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “NEDA” to 741741. The new year is a great time to reflect on the previous year and make resolutions for the following year. I have fallen into this trap time [...]

20 Memes That Perfectly Describe the 'Embarrassing' Symptoms of Depression

When you live with depression, sometimes you experience symptoms you would rather not share with others. Maybe you can’t remember the last time you showered, and dry shampoo just isn’t covering it up anymore. Maybe your once-satisfying sex life has taken a hit, and you can’t enjoy physical intimacy. Or maybe your emotions feel out of [...]