What I Need You to Know About My Schizotypal Personality Disorder

There are some days when I’m not me. I know that doesn’t make any sense, does it?

Not many people understand what schizotypal personality disorder is and that’s OK. What people really need to understand about it is simple: it isn’t always me.

I have my bad days; everyone on this earth does. But, I don’t remember my bad days. I don’t remember what time I got out of bed, what time I ate or what I did during the day. It feels like I lost a day in a black hole, one that sits in my mind and it takes everything away from me. Please, please know that, when I lash out at you, it isn’t me. It’s one of the people living in my head.

They have names — very simple names.

Daisy; she’s so simple. She is very broken; when I lose a day to her, I’ll stay in bed and all I can do is cry. I know that when she is in control, there is no light in my eyes. I don’t remember what happens when she takes over. But, I know she needs help. She needs someone to hold her and to tell her she will be OK, because she is broken. She is hurting and it causes me to hurt. I can feel her pain in the back of my head. It feels… Well, terrible. I guess that’s how I would put it. It feels like she is another person I can’t help.

Just knowing I can’t help her kills me because she is a part of me, a part of who I am.

Now, Alexis is a much different story.

Her personality is filled with so much anger and hatred. But, if you listen to her closely, you can hear how terrified she is. I’ve been told, on the days I lash out, that I hurt people and I tell them off. I don’t like hurting people, but Alexis does. By hurting other people, she can better protect herself. At least, that is what she thinks.

There are days when I am deep in thought — at least, I appear to be — when honestly, I am fighting for control of my own body. I am having to fight for everything. That doesn’t explain it, I know. I fight to have to go to sleep at night because if I don’t, I am staying up until 5 a.m. and sleeping until 2 p.m.

It isn’t me when I’m yelling and snapping at you. It isn’t me when I’m refusing to leave my bed while the tears run down my face.

None of this is me. I know this because I am a bubbly girl. But, I lost that when I got Daisy and Alexis.

As bad as it may seem, they are my best friends. I can talk to them about whatever I need. They understand what I go through and they try to help.

When my depression kicks in, they take over so that I don’t have to feel that overwhelming amount of sadness and despair.

When my anxiety takes over, Alexis takes over just so I don’t have to struggle with the pain.

Even when my roller coaster starts in my head, Daisy takes over so I’m not gasping for air.

So, please don’t yell when I act differently. Please don’t leave me when I tell you to. Because, if I tell you the truth, I’m terrified you will walk out because I’m “too much” to handle.

Just know it isn’t me. It’s us.

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Photo by gbarkz on Unsplash

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