What I Want You to Know on the Days I Can't Really Be a Person
I can’t really be a person today. Nothing caused this to happen, it just kind of did. It’s something that happens to me sometimes. I have a lot of days like this.
I’m going to be staring into space a lot today. Even the tiny tasks seem gigantic, and it will take me a while to get them started. I’m about 30 miles from my bed, and I want to crawl back into it right now. I want to sleep for days. I wish it was the weekend.
Sorry if it takes me a second to understand what you said, my brain is full of a dense fog and I can’t seem to shake it. Is it depression or my thyroid? I don’t know. Does it matter? It’s happening. I don’t know.
Sorry if I seem distant.
I feel guilty for being around you. I feel like like I’m leaking negativity wherever I go and sucking the energy out of the room. I feel like I’m a sickness, a walking contagion. I feel like I need to isolate myself from everyone else so I don’t bring them down with me. Nobody else deserves that.
My mind is screaming I need to be alone but I know I’d fully collapse into myself the second I was. I know I’m hard to be around when I’m like this, especially when my brain wants me to push you away so I don’t spread my sickness to you. But please stay with me. I need you.
I wish I could talk about it and it would just go away. I’d scream about it if I could. Writing it out helps, but my body still feels like it’s full of cooling wax.
I’m sorry for not talking about it more.
I know I should, but it’s so hard. It’s no wonder therapy was always so difficult for me. It’s so hard for me to find people I can open up to, and even if you’re someone I feel like I can open up to, sometimes I just don’t know how to explain what’s going on in my brain.
Deep down, I feel like I don’t deserve to be heard. Thank you for staying with me even when I can’t find the words.
I’m having a rough time sorting through the lies I’m hearing right now.
I feel unworthy of love, guilty for being loved and cared for. I feel like I’m a horrible person for not being able to believe I am loved right now. I feel like I don’t amount to anything, that there’s no point in trying to reach for anything because I don’t deserve success or happiness. I feel like a fraud, a failure.
And all of this feels perfectly logical to me. They don’t feel like lies at all. I feel bad for needing so much convincing.
The truth is, today I just feel bad.
I’m unsettled deep, deep down. Something in me is shifted, a piece that doesn’t quite line up.
Thank you for staying with me, anyway.
Follow this journey on the author’s blog.
Photo by Brooke Winters on Unsplash