The Type of Bipolar Hypomania We Don’t Talk About
Why do people never talk about how painful dysphoric hypomania is? Everybody just seems to romanticize euphoric hypomania but I experience that only for the first few hours of an episode, then it always turns into dysphoric mania and, eventually, it becomes a mixed state. At least, that’s what has always happened to me.
Why can’t I just be euphoric and super productive and “the life of the party?” Why can’t I write a million essays and articles and blog posts? Why can’t I have creative ideas and unstoppable imagination? I’m not talking from hearsay. It happened to me once, when I was 20. Five years have passed since then and euphoric hypomania never visited me again. But I know what it’s like and today, with my hands shaking from the urge to move move move, with my restless legs and mind, with intrusive thoughts trying to ruin my life, I can only ask: why?
I’m imprisoned in a body which won’t rest, a mind full of racing thoughts and noise, paranoia, no ability to concentrate or even just read two pages of a book, people hardly understand what I’m saying because I talk too fast and I can’t sleep despite being put on medication which I’m clearly not responding to. And I’m not even happy, let alone euphoric.
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I’m in such a state that my editor on the blog on which I’m an author told me to send my articles to her for proofreading before posting them because they are too full of mistakes or simply not making sense. It’s humiliating.
Actually, last night, I slept a fair amount of hours, but I would wake up every hour since 5 a.m. and when I got up at 10, I was feeling even more sped up than yesterday. I have so much energy that my body aches and it becomes negative energy. And it’s Sunday, so no one will answer the phone in my outpatient psych ward.
And here I am, waiting for the next intrusive thought or urge to fight off, trying to sit still for at least 10 minutes. Hoping my words make sense.
I hate this.
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Photo by Greg Raines on Unsplash