When They Ask How You Are but You’re Not Fine

How are you?

Sometimes you don’t want to talk about it, and the “it” you don’t want to talk about is depression. When they ask how you are but you’re not fine, it’s difficult to explain why. It becomes exhausting to explain all of the “why’s.” That is, why you’re not smiling, why your friends haven’t seen you in such a long time, or why when they call you, it goes to voicemail, and why when they text you, you don’t answer.  It’s because you don’t feel like being social, and you don’t want to talk about it. Perhaps you don’t want to face the fact that you’re depressed. You’re exhausted, and you don’t want to keep repeating the answer to “how are you?” every single day, especially if you feel like you can’t answer it honestly. 

I’m not fine

If you ask me how I am, I’ll say “fine.” After all, in our society, we’re trained to use “I’m fine” as a default response. But sometimes, you’re not fine, and it’s easier to lie about it or give a perfunctory answer rather than go into the details of what’s going on and why you’re depressed. Sometimes, we don’t even know why we’re depressed, or there is no tangible reason for it. Perhaps you have major depressive disorder or bipolar disorder. Many people don’t understand conditions such as depression, and that’s a major reason why so many people are uncomfortable telling the truth; too afraid to say “I’m depressed.” It’s utterly debilitating to be depressed, and sometimes you worry that people will become tired of you. You have anxiety about people abandoning you if your symptoms become too much for them to handle. 

Depression is unrelenting

For people who don’t know what depression feels like, it’s unrelenting. It doesn’t give you peace. When you’re the opposite of fine, it’s difficult to keep your head above water. It takes every single ounce of energy that you have to respond to a phone call or a text message, and when you’re depressed, you’re stripped of both mental and physical strength. Leaving the house feels impossible and exhausting. You can’t fathom completing everyday activities, like showering or getting dressed. So, you might say you’re OK because you don’t have it in you to go into the explanation of what it feels like, or you might think the other person won’t understand. It feels isolating when people don’t understand, and depression is isolating enough. 

Depression is misunderstood

If you don’t understand what it’s like to be depressed, you might judge someone for not being social or responsive. You might not get why it’s so hard to shower or eat, or why those simple things feel so out of reach when you’re depressed. Depression makes you want to curl up into a ball and not exist, and sometimes you don’t want to talk about it, especially with the risk of being misunderstood. So, what can you do if you’re not fine? Reach out for help. 

Online therapy can help

Online therapy is an excellent place to talk about why you aren’t feeling fine and why you don’t usually feel like going into it. Do you have people in your life that you’re comfortable talking to about depression? Do you think they understand? It’s good to have a support system, and a crucial part of a strong support system is a therapist. A supportive therapist can help you through feelings of depression and make you feel less alone. Don’t be afraid to reach out for that support.