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The Frustrating Symptom That Signals My Depression Is Relapsing

Exhaustion is the first sign. Little tasks are so draining and I wonder why I’m so tired when I’ve done so little. My room is messy and every time I try to clean it, I fail. I’m too tired. I sleep way too many hours in the day. I don’t understand why suddenly I stop doing the things I love and seeing the people I love. I’m just tired and I want to sit in bed and watch Netflix all day. Anything else takes too much energy.

It’s hard because I normally have high-functioning depression. Although inside I’m breaking, I do everything I need to do and see everyone I need to see. My friends would never know I was struggling unless I told them.

But sometimes, my body gets tired of functioning “normally.” I guess my body catches up to my mind and they both slow down and run at the same pace. I become extremely irritable and I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone. I just want to stay in my bed all day. I want to do things that don’t take much energy, like watch movies or eat cereal out of the box.

And I want to sleep. But I hate sleeping, because my mind doesn’t stop running once my eyes close. I experience dreams that wake me up several times during the night, wake me up longing for energy, but leaving me more tired than I was before. 

When my depression comes back, my world comes to a halt. The “normal” fades away and I can’t even recognize myself. The slow return of this illness isn’t like the steady high-functioning level that keeps me somewhat grounded. It’s the beginning of a relapse and it makes me feel incapable.

Unsplash image by Chad Madden