The Way My Quirky Autistic Brain Works

I woke up at 6:30 on Sunday morning. It most definitely wasn’t on purpose, and quite frankly I wasn’t happy about it. After laying there for a few more minutes, I decided to just give in, and I got out of bed.

It was at this exact moment that my autism service dog, who just one second before was snoring in his bed, leaped past me, onto my bed, and promptly started snoring again.

I’ll have whatever he’s having. Back to the story…

Recently I started dating a beautiful woman who understands my quirks, as she has an adult daughter, who, like me, has Asperger’s. That really has very little to do with the story, but this is the path my brain is taking this morning, so I implore you to roll with it just one more paragraph, and together we’ll journey down the rabbit hole that is my mind.

On a side note, I just noticed that my writing seems more formal than it normally is. I wonder if it has anything to do with waking up way too early and immediately cracking open a 1L bottle of Mountain Dew, which coincidentally, 90 minutes later, is empty.

Into the rabbit hole.

This morning she had to drive about an hour one way to pick someone up and bring them back to their town. I texted her this.

“Text when you get back, so I know you’re alive and shit?”

She responded with: “I will. LOL.”

I love that my text made her LOL. I’m a 55-year-old male, so I will never text “LOL,” but it’s cool when others do it. I enjoy making people laugh (whether with me or at me) because it relaxes them. When they’re more relaxed I’m more relaxed and my panic attacks get a little better. From a 9, it probably goes down to 7. Also, scratch the “at me.” I don’t like when people laugh at me.

I lived most of my adult life in Long Beach, CA. It’s an awesome city with a bit of everything. It’s also the home of Snoop Dog, Dre, and Sublime. Everyone in The LBC (as we call it) has a little gangster in them, just waiting to get out.

Mine came out one night in the Anaheim Ducks press box. I was there working on an article for whoever was paying me that night. I can’t remember. Suddenly, the Doggfather comes out of the TV booth, where he had just been a guest on the broadcast.

I happened to be getting something to drink and Snoop walked up to me. This is how our conversation went.

J: ‘Supp, man?

S: What up, little brother? What you up to? [Snoop is very tall]

J: Just chillin’, then working. You know, I live in the LBC too. Pretty close to your old ‘hood, but I spent a few on the Westside.

S: Welcome Home. I gotta get back to my seat. You keep it real.

I turned to find 30 media members and one of the radio hosts staring at me, wondering what just happened. I scanned the crowd and said, “What? You ain’t never seen a couple of guys from The LBC rappin’ about life?”

Once again, I digress from my story in a big way.

So, after the beautiful woman texted me, I started thinking about her, and how to make her laugh in a good way.

Most likely due to the fact that I graduated high school all the way back in 1984, I like to say both, “Peace out,” and, “Word to your mother.” I then started thinking of how I could do, “Peace out,” with emojis. I also decided that “Word to your mother,” was definitely impossible with emojis.

I figured that if I could find either a peace sign or a hand with the correct fingers up, and a door that says EXIT, “Peace Out,” could be pulled off.

Then I imagined using those emojis on someone who didn’t understand my thought process (probably every neurotypical and 2/3 of us on the spectrum). I had to explain it to them, and this is how it went down.

Everything is read in the voice of beloved comedian Sam Kinison, who yelled. A lot.

The first one is a peace sign. It was made popular by those damn hippies who refused to go to Vietnam. What does the second one look like to you?

It’s a door. What do you do with an exit door? (pause) You go out!

Peace.

Out.

Peace Out.

While beginning to crawl back out of the rabbit hole, I decided to look for the aforementioned emojis, so I could see if they existed. I reached for my phone, decided I didn’t care at this exact moment whether they existed or not, and went for something to wash the Dew down with. Like bacon and eggs.

By the way, this whole story happened in less than 60 seconds. That’s a minute of my life I’ll never get back, as well as three or four those who are still reading will never get back. My apologies.

If you want to know how someone on the spectrum thinks, ask them. But be prepared for the response. As they said in “Ant-Man,” “You put in a dime in him, you gotta let the whole record play out. He’s like a human jukebox.”

This is the one time I’ll allow you to laugh at me, because the way my brain works is pretty funny. I hope it brought a smile to your face because it cracked me up. Please feel free to post this on social media with the headline:

Is this guy ****** up, or what?