I experience chronic suicidal ideation despite my current level of anxiety or depression and am fairly certain I am only alive today because guilt is my driving emotion. Guilt for everything, anything, small or big, rational or irrational its constant & strong. Guilt brings my all the way to the edge, until im about to go over, but won't let me finish the job because I know if any of my consciousness or awareness lingers when I'm gone the guilt of leaving my children would be worse than any I've ever felt and you can only kill yourself once. Sometimes I even resent the people I love for making me feel too guilty to die, and then, the guilt sinks in for the resentment and I feel disgusted with myself and back to the edge I go. The circle never stops. Sometimes I feel like the negative energy in my body is so strong it will do the job for me, like I will just cease to live. My mind and body will give up and I won't have to decide whether I live or die. No life, no guilt, just nothing. This is often the thought that keeps me from killing myself, the light at the end of my tunnel is the thought that maybe I'll just die soon. 25 years of this, over 9000 days of this. After putting a number on it, everything else I planned to say seems ridiculous. #9000dayswishingiweredead
#chronicsuicidalideation
#MTHFRMutation