5 Ways ADHD Can Present Itself During Intimacy

Ah, sex. The big S-E-X. The horizontal boogie. Bumping uglies. Knocking boots.

You get it.

Sex is a very normal part of the human existence, and it’s an activity many people participate in. It’s no secret that health conditions can impact someone’s intimate experience, and that includes, of course, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). ADHD doesn’t turn off just because you’re turned on, and that can manifest in different ways.

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People with ADHD may have difficulty with sequencing, processing, distractions, and intrusive thoughts. Not to mention struggles with impulsivity as well. In our non-intimate lives that means people may forget to do daily tasks like eating or peeing, random things they needed from the stores, impulse buying, or not being able to stay in the moment because their mind is elsewhere due to in-attentiveness. In your intimate life and relationships, it can look a little different.

1. You can’t turn your brain “off” when things start getting spicy.

An ADHD brain is known for its, in what some would call, erratic nature. One minute you’re focusing on what’s in front of you, and then it triggers another thought and another and next thing you know you’re no longer present. That doesn’t stop just because you’re about to make love. In fact, sometimes it can happen even more and become a bit frustrating in the moment because you’re not allowing yourself to fully relax and enjoy what’s in front of you.

2. Sensory struggles and sex aren’t always a happy mix.

Neurodivergent people may have different sensory sensitivities. Personally, I can’t start working if my body temperature isn’t right. Now imagine that during sex. Maybe you’re laying down but the blanket is scratchy and now all you can think about is that texture. Sex also comes with bodily fluids, naturally so, and if that’s something that bothers your sensory sensitivities then that could be an issue as well. Hopefully hygiene is up-to-par, but if not smells may occur because we’re human and that happens. All of these things can take you out the present moment and simply make things harder. 

3. Intrusive thoughts galore.

This goes hand-in-hand with the first point, but intrusive thoughts still happen during sex. For ADHD folk, it’s easy and natural to sometimes hyperfixate on those intrusive thoughts. Not to be TMI, but there was a time where I had an intrusive thought about how penguins mate for life and for the life of me I couldn’t stop thinking about it. My body was there, but my mind was elsewhere and when I recount that situation, all I can think about are penguins. Not the partner or literally anything else. Just penguins and their romantic lives. Wild, I know.

4. Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) paired with any awkward sexual situation can be disastrous.

RSD is rough because it’s a heightened sensitivity to any perceived or actual rejection. Obviously, no means no, and consent is key but rejection can still sting deeper for someone with ADHD. 

When you have RSD and a sexual situation doesn’t go the way you thought it would (maybe they just aren’t in the mood or they didn’t like something new you tried) it’s easy to fixate on it and let low self-esteem come in, making you feel like you’re undesirable or they don’t want you. In extreme cases, you could even start feeling worthless because of it, which isn’t great. Navigating RSD in everyday life is tough, but when you’re in such an intimate situation you’re left very vulnerable. Rejection when you’re in such a state hurts, and it can even damage relationships. It can also strengthen them if you work through it, but still.

5. Instant libido shut down.

Executive dysfunction is so annoying, as it can stop us from doing things we want to do. We can’t “go” until our brain says “go,” or rather it’s just harder to do so. Now picture that, but during sex.

Executive dysfunction kicking in mid-romp is so aggravating because it makes what can be a fun experience horrible in two seconds flat. Immediately you’re done, you may want to stop, or you’re counting down until it’s over if you don’t want to stop it for whatever reason. ED is such an aggravating part of ADHD. Experiencing it during intimacy is crappy because you can’t just magically snap yourself out of it. Once it hits, it’s there to stay.

ADHD typically consistently runs in the background of someone’s life, so it only makes sense that it would impact the ways in which we navigate intimacy. I didn’t include how medication impacts intimacy because I have no experience with that, but there have been essays written saying that it does impact libido and sex drive as well. 

What matters is having a partner who understands, and remembering that if at any moment you no longer feel comfortable being intimate whether it’s because of your ADHD or not, you have the power to say “no.” Your body, your choice, always.