It feels like all my senses are lit on fire. I feel deeply. Sights are brighter and sounds are louder. Everything seems colorful.
But then it quickly gets tainted with an inky blackness and several shades of blue.
• What is Bipolar disorder?
It feels like hope withering from my hands; it’s watching any drop of motivation left disappear.
Then, the creative sparks set off in my brain and the psychomotor agitation starts
up. I feel jittery and I can’t sit.
I want to paint and create and write my thoughts down. My ideas of grandeur. Yet, I know there’s no point. Because the sadness hits me as fast as an anvil dropped from thousands of feet above me.
The pain in my stomach is raw and my appetite disappears. I’m torn between wanting to lie in my bed and never come up and running ten miles to burn off my energy.
It feels like having a tangled mess of thoughts in my head, racing so fast, faster than I
ever believed possible.
This is what it’s like for me when I’ve experienced a primarily manic mixed episode. It’s a part of bipolar disorder where, along with feeling predominantly manic or depressed, the opposite mood seeps in. Aside from my regular depressed and hypomanic moods, I get mixed episodes that are primarily manic, but they’re the farthest thing from fun.
When I have this kind of episode, I feel sadness, euphoria, anxiety, creativity, boundless
energy and hopelessness. I’m full of racing thoughts and a constant restlessness all at the same time. I feel like a genius but I also feel self-loathing. I feel happy, sad and like the world is ending somehow all in the same moments.
Mania doesn’t just mean I’m running around and having a good time, although sometimes it can be enjoyable — especially when I feel creative and limitless, my words pouring out of my mouth with rapid speed. But in other instances it feels like anxiety and sensory overload with thoughts that are too fast to grab a hold of.
Mania comes in many forms. Not everyone experiencing it is engaging in risky sexual behaviors and spending sprees. Sometimes this mood state means abnormally happy and elated, while other times it means extremely anxious, irritable and fearful.
Just something to keep in mind, whether you’re just curious, you love someone with bipolar or you have the diagnosis yourself, manic means a lot of things, and it doesn’t always mean happy.
Kaden M (he/they) is a graduate student, working towards obtaining an MFA in creative writing. He is writing a fiction novel, a nonfiction memoir, and a book of poems. He loves traveling, books, dogs, and is an advocate for mental illness and neurodiversity. He has also recently come out as queer and trans and wants to be an advocate for this community as well. He writes about many conditions, including: Bipolar disorder, depression, OCD, ADHD, anxiety, (C)PTSD, Anorexia, Borderline Personality, learning disabilities, Autism/Sensory processing issues... in other words, his experiences with mental illness and as a neurodivergent individual. Kaden also advocates, shares his stories, and general positivity (Oh, and photos of his two dogs!) on his public instagram account @obsessive.but.awesome
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