Ahmad Abojaradeh Wants Men to Talk About Body Dysmorphic Disorder

When Ahmad Abojaradeh thinks of his ideal body, he imagines a sculpture. However, as someone with body dysmorphic disorder, Abojaradeh soon realized no amount of working out or plastic surgery, would get him the sculpted body he so craved. “There have been times when I wanted all those things,” he said. “I wanted people to watch me walk by on the beach, to not be ashamed of the way I looked, to be able to take pictures with friends, and to be happy.”

Abojaradeh spent years chasing his “perfect” body. “I worked out for hours, did sit ups religiously – even when the depression was so intense I didn’t even bother with school,” he said. “I’ve looked at plastic surgery for years, and have always wanted nothing more than to have that kind of body.”

From the ages of 12 to 21, Abojaradeh struggled with what he calls his body’s “deformations.” “I have grown to love the deformations I believe I have by imagining them on others and realizing I would never treat anyone that looked the same way, the way I treated myself,” the 24-year-old explained. “I would never tell anyone to not go to the beach because of how they looked, or anything else. So why was I saying those things to myself?”

Today, Abojaradeh can enjoy going to the beach or the pool, whereas he couldn’t in the past. “As I’ve learned to understand my disorder, I can do those things. It’s not pleasant, or easy at first, but I do it anyways.”

Read More: This Is What It Looks Like When You Feature Disabled and Chronically Ill People in Magazines

Next: How Bipolar Disorder Shapes Tiana Duddleston’s Summer