I don't know what I feel, but it's strong and it throws me to the ground.
There is sadness, despair, exhaustion, fear, insecurity and above all: emptiness.
Everything is screaming in confusion, no one can decide which feeling is there at the moment; I cannot grasp a clear thought,
not to mention concentration.
I'm sweating, shaking, can't hold myself still and just want to get out of here, just go home.
I can no longer do this today.
If Only I Could Care Less, Though I Care Too Much
It has been almost a week and the words are still echoing inside of my head. That I am inconsiderate and don't care enough. Its plays in a constant loop and it comes and goes. I play it off like it doesn't affect me...it did and it still does. Emotionless on the surface but a hurricane inside my brain. I am exhausted from the way my mind works. Constant over-thinking, over-analytical suppression. It bothers me a lot that a single person can speak words that affect my whole mood, my hour, my day, my week. I will be fine eventually, just really needed to vent. #BPD #overthinking #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
So I am at DV shelter and for the last two days another client in the house has seemingly singled me out to abuse?! I think she's on speed or something too? So she is screaming and yelling at me calling me names etc and the staff at shelter felt that I should go in my room? I am capable 100% of not talking to or being around that person! She just will not leave me alone? After having another attack from her maybe an hour passed by and she started talking to me like we were old friends asking me what time I had to work today? I at first didn't respond after 4 more times I just said I don't wanna talk to you and then she starts right back in on me!? Telling me she wants me kicked out and that I don't follow the rules just not making any sense?!? So my question is how the heck do I not think about it and go about my day?! I left the shelter very early so I could avoid that person entirely but I feel unsafe unprotected and I feel like I am allowing this person to run me off?! Its just that in the past due to my anti social bpd ways I can be violent after all the abuse I have been handed I guess I have used that to get my way?! Just the way my abusers always have? So I don't trust that I will be able to control myself I am so angry I haven't slept or showed or kept my appts today I'm sitting in my car in front of a friend's house bawling!!! How an this be happening and how do I make it stop!!! Do I just run or get a ppo?? The thing is I am moving out in less than a week and have great things a new apt job to look forward to but I am jot handling this drama well at all!! I'm trying not to beat myself up but I am mad that she is getting to me! I feel like I am being mistreated all over again!! I cry more when I am mad than ever! I dislike crying very much! What really bothers me is missing everything work! physical therapy! I just can't do it!! Staff at shelter told me to just let it go dont let it bother you so much?! Which made me more mad!!! If I fuck this up before the shelter helps me move out I will lose all of the household items and furniture the shelter is providing me and all of my transition help from them as well?! That cannot happen!!! Well fuck!! Not sure what I am gonna do now but I do know that I am taking my meds now! Help and please don't say just let it go!?!? Please?
#BPD #Upallnight #Bipolar #PTSD #DV OK so I am still at this womens shelter and everything has been going well until yesterday this woman who is also staring here has been trying to talk to me then spewing hate and accusations at me saying she is going to get me kicked out and I am dangerous to kids and nasty and racist?!? Wtf??? I have had zero problems with anyone I share my pop cigs whatever I try to be kind and helpful so now I can barely come out of my room with her here!?! I have spoken with those in charge here and they say to stay away from her so I do but have accidentally run into her in kitchen so after all the drama she again talks to me and asks me what time I have to work tomorrow and I say I have nothing to say to you so then she lost it! I think she's on meth because it's belligerent and strange and makes no sense??? Any ideas???