To the Husband Who Loves Me Through My Depression
To the one I love,
I know you haven’t seen the person you fell in love with for a some time now. Occasionally, she comes to revisit you and stays for a while before leaving again. She is sending you this letter to let you know she is fighting to come back soon. The person you’re living with at the moment is hard to live with — I know that. Hearing her tell you how she longs to leave this world, how you and the beautiful children you had together doesn’t seem to be enough for her to want to go on living is hard. But I need to tell you something: deep down, that’s the reason she is still here, even though she may not admit it.
She is struggling with every day. She is fighting some days to take one breath after another. It’s hard work for her, not just in a physical sense, but mentally. You see, she feels like a failure: at life, as a mother, as a partner, at everything — and she can’t see any way to fix it. The depression is lying to her. It’s constantly telling her that her only option is to give up, that there is no escape door, that she won’t ever get rid of the feeling of emotionally drowning and that her best course of action, and the kindest thing to do for you all, would be to die because you don’t deserve to be burdened by her.
The depression lies. The voice in her head is relentless, night and day. That’s why she doesn’t sleep — it doesn’t ever stop. When she fights to beat it, it’s like swimming in quicksand, it’s exhausting. I’ll let you into another secret too: when she is in her room alone, she actually hates to be alone, even though she is choosing to be. It doesn’t make sense does it? Depression doesn’t make sense.
She told me to tell you she is working hard to get back to you though. She misses you all so much. She misses the cuddles and laughs from the kids and she wants them back. You can help her. Just give her lots of cuddles, hold her hand when she needs it and dry her tears — so many tears. Just be there. Please don’t give up on her. I know she screams and shouts at you and says some horrible things at times, but she does love you. And honestly — you and the kids are what have kept her here until now.
You’re going to see her soon, I promise. And we’re going to have so much fun.
I love you.
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Thinkstock photo via nd3000