What Grief Has Taught Me

What grief has taught me is that I can never predict what it will feel like. Even if I have experienced grief before, it doesn’t mean it will be the same as the last time. Too many variables change the dynamics of it all.

What grief has taught me is that some people are uncomfortable with my pain and distance themselves from me. While it adds to the hurt I am already feeling, it teaches me that people are vulnerable; and that is OK. I am feeling pretty vulnerable too right now.

What grief has taught me is that those five stages of grief that psychologist mapped out decades ago, might not apply to everyone.

What grief had taught me is that when the wise tell you life is short and live life to the fullest, they know what they are talking about.

What grief has taught me is that some people who I think could be more compassionate and softer during such a difficult time, are incapable because it’s just who they are.

What grief has taught me is that no matter how many signs I am given that you are still with me, I will question my sanity before accepting the spiritual gift of your presence.

What grief has taught me is that when someone suggests you lived a long life, it still wasn’t long enough in my eyes.

What grief has taught me is just when I think I am OK, I am not, and when the reminders happen so do the tears; and there is no certain time frame when that will stop.

What grief had taught me is that time doesn’t make things better, just different.

What grief has taught me is that even though it’s painful to listen to and read, one day I will be grateful I wrote down your last words and have an audio of your telephone conversation.

What grief has taught me is that day 1, 5 and 6 are the hardest. Day 1 is devastating, day 2-4 are numbing shock and day 5 and 6 are full of anxiety that I’m never going to see you again.

What grief has taught me is that friends and acquaintances who have experienced similar grief really worry about me; because they remember how awful it feels.

What grief has taught me is that basics are acceptable during the first little while. Basic meals, basic hygiene, basic parenting, basic cleaning, basic socializing.

What grief has taught me is that when I have been crying in the bubble bath for over an hour it makes it really difficult to get out- opting for showers is more manageable.

What grief has taught me is that I will notice things that remind me everywhere, everyday of you. Funny I didn’t notice these things before.

What grief has taught me is that people assume that because I am functioning and even smiling at day 10, that I am okay.

What grief has taught me is that when I thought there was more time, it wasn’t up to me.

What grief has taught me is that every phone conversation we had the weeks prior will be etched in my mind forever.

What grief has taught me is that nothing could have been done or said to save you, and I will always hate that.

What grief has taught me is that I sometimes want to be alone and not be alone at the same time.

What grief has taught me is that I will never be the same, and that is neither good or bad.

What grief has taught me is that life goes on even when you want it to wait until your pain subsides.

What grief has taught me is that I count how many days you have been gone even though that makes it harder. Why do I do that?

What grief has taught me is sitting here at day 11 isn’t easier than day 7, it’s a reminder how long it’s been since I’ve seen you.

What grief has taught me is that like other times I have been through grief, I will be OK; just not right away.

What grief had taught me is that you can never be an expert at managing it no matter how many losses you have experienced.

What grief has taught me is that I still have a lot to learn about living.