She holds onto the wall as she walks down the hallway. “You’re just walking to the bathroom,” she whispers to herself. “Nothing bad is happening.” Her mind tries to tell her otherwise. Lost in intrusive thoughts, she desperately tries to ground herself. She doesn’t know this, but she has a subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) involving false memories. This causes her to worry that her intrusive thoughts are actually memories. Tormented by her mind, she checks her surroundings repeatedly and constantly questions reality. She feels a compulsive need to confirm that nothing bad is happening. To her, life feels like a neverending horror movie. She doesn’t know why she struggles so much. Due to stereotypes and misinformation, she doesn’t receive OCD treatment until it is almost too late.
This girl is me as a child, teenager, and young adult. Unfortunately, I can’t travel back in time or email her Jon Hershfield’s articles on false memories and moral scrupulosity. However, I can share my experience with obsessive-compulsive disorder and hope someone going through something similar feels less alone and learns about OCD treatment options. I’ve found exposure response prevention therapy and SSRIs to be a helpful treatment.
I have been in exposure response prevention therapy on and off since 2016. By the time I started exposure therapy, I couldn’t withstand being alone. At night, I cried and screamed in my bed, replaying intrusive thoughts over and over again to prove to myself that they weren’t real. My OCD dictated every aspect of my life. I became too afraid to get the mail or sit alone in my living room.
For my first exposure, I stepped outside the Rogers Hospital doorway. Alone, my thoughts attacked me, but I tried to remain strong. I needed to learn to sit with the anxiety. Gradually, I worked my way up to walking around stores. I’ve done so many exposures since then and dealt with several different OCD themes. At times, I still struggle with false memories, but over the years I’ve regained a lot of independence and found new ways to cope. For example, I’ve found delaying compulsions to be a helpful stepping stone for me. It’s something I am constantly working on.
Even though I still struggle, 2016 me would be thrilled to see the progress I’ve made. I hope my story helps someone realize that they are not alone in this.
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