Introducing Myself To My Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder for the First Time

Dear OCD,

Hi. We’ve never been formally introduced, even though you’ve lived inside of me for a long, long time. That’s partially because I’ve always tried to deny your existence, no offense. I wasn’t ready to accept you into my life, or commit to any kind of treatment, but it’s different now. For so long, I’ve swept you under the rug and written my compulsions off as quirks. Checking behaviors? Being cautious. Mental reviewing? Being thorough. Intrusive thoughts? Strong imagination. But you’ve gotten louder this year, and instead of pushing you into a dark closet or suffocating under your immense weight, I’m ready to face you head-on.

So, let’s talk. You’re so damn loud and your tantrums make me feel sick. My stomach churns and my hands and mind have to compulse, trying to find that fix of certainty that we both know I’ll never find — but you tell me I can, if I just ritual, ritual, ritual. You prey on the things I love and value in order to make me doubt myself and doubt you, as well. You convince me that the things I’m thinking are real, and you’ve caused me to live my life in a state of constant false alarms. Fight or flight is my forever state, and I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t sure that something bad was happening.

I know you’ll probably always be sitting next to me. We will live our lives in tandem, me and you. But I’m ready to sit in the uncertainty that you want me so badly to fear, and I’m ready to work through exposures to dim some of your light. You have taken over my life for so many years, and it’s time for me to take my life back. But that doesn’t mean it’s the end of us, because I understand that you’ve played a big role in making me who I am today. You’ve been an unwelcome guest, but I know that to accept and commit, I also have to tell you that you are welcome. And maybe, just maybe, we’ll learn to coexist.

I’m really looking forward to our next chapter, and most of all, I’m really looking forward for us to get to know me — the real me.

Your friend,
Cecilia.