ownit

You ever walked around with this still, calm, kind of quiet feeling in your body? Like when you're in the woods and walk into a gorgeous clearing with a still quite pond in the the center? Cool, right? What you see is gorgeous.
Except sometimes, what you DON'T see might be more important. What's in the water, just out of your sight? What's in those long stalks of pretty flowers growing at the center of the clearing?
That's what I felt like this week. If you did no more than SEE me, you'd have seen a calm, even mostly okay individual. If you paid really good attention, you may have seen a flash of irritation, but not many. I had a still, calm expectancy wrapped around me, following me all over the place. I KNEW somebody was about to step in some major sh....SHEDAZZLE. (My effort to not say bad words).
Trying to warn people who never listen? It's like using your hands as a cup, you may get some of the water, but you won't get the full amount. "Hey, I'm glad you want to spend time with me, but right now, not a good idea. I'm sort of feeling like a monster may erupt." Or, "Hey ONLY PERSON who ever babysits my son, think you can for an hour or two, just so I can unravel without hurting feelings?" You know what? People seem to only do when THEY want to. They don't do just to help out anymore, nor do they stop and think, 'she never asks for this. Maybe we should try DOING FOR HER instead of DEMANDING FROM HER.'
My still quietness didn't snap until my husband tells me HE decided, all in his own to stop wearing a mask. Well, he was at a job on his own so not a big deal, but then a man came in to check on the painters work and guess who had no mask? To make it worse, he chatted my husband up for a good minute. Did I mention that I have death anxiety? The idea of a family member dying and there just being this huge gaping wound where they used to be is enough to send me into hysterics. He just decided not to mention the incident to me, except he forgets himself and says something days later. Back to the clearing with the quiet pond in the center. Guess what was in that water just out of sight? An alligator so mean and irritated that it looked more like a giant beast from hell.
It erupted and by the time everything was calm again, the people who said 'no, not convenient for me to help you', or 'well maybe later', or 'you're just going to have to suck it up' or help me deal with my problem cuz I'm to self absorbed to hear about yours', they were all surprised that something that truthful and that full of rage had been living in such a little pond. Sometimes, you just need to be heard.